Purple Pixie Land

Times a changing....

2011-11-19T07:13:00.000-08:00

I have not blogged for two years.... And I feel I have outgrown purple pixie land.... I shall be keeping it active for nostalgia reasons, but from now on I have started my new blog at www.katiejanebishop.blogspot.com

Ty for reading and hope you can follow me over at my new Internet home x

Sometimes goodbye is a second chance

2009-06-12T16:00:00.000-07:00

So i decided i was going to wear all of my shoes to justify owning them. this has gone on for two days. Here's yesterdays:

And todays:

So i'm gonna keep a shoe diary until they've all been worn :p And you might get a copy :p

Katie x

Girl of the north country

2009-05-17T15:21:00.000-07:00

Soooooo..... two months on almost. Wow i'm shit.

Ok so too much to recap on, the basics are now permanently residing in lancashire, working at matalan and looking for my own place with the wonderful miss miller.

So onto more pressing matters. I hate to bring this up, again, but for anyone who has been reading my blog properly they'll recall a certain someone named matt. This next section of my blog will perfectly demonstrate how fickle and self centred i can be... so er on the 9th may last year i wrote this:

'I think the friendship boundaries between me and Matt may have been pushed last night, it was odd, good odd, I think. I spent a long time wanting it to happen and then, 2 weeks before the end of term, whoosh it does. He was telling me we can make it work; he’d make the effort to see me. And I’m like, that’s all well and good, but I don’t even know where Solihull is let alone how to get there. Plus the times I live in wolves that’s all well and good, but the times I’m in Lancashire, it’s a 2 hour, expensive, train journey. Is it wrong to be thinking about logistics instead of like, the actual thing of it? Well he told me he liked me, and apparently has done since ‘he first slit my throat’ (those of you who read my blog will remember the post about us making Kel’s film with her). He also told me that he wasn’t just saying it because he was drunk and he kept asking me why it had taken so long for us to hook up. To be honest I’m a bit ‘run home and hide under the covers’. I’ve not been in a relationship in a long time.'

and on the er 12th of may i wrote this:

'Things with Matt are, well, awkward. I was worried this would happen and like an idiot I let myself get trapped in by the ‘we’s’ and the promise we could make it work, let alone all the compliments I’d dreamed of him thinking that were suddenly emerging from his mouth, albeit slightly drunkenly. And like a complete naïve retard I let myself get charmed into bed thinking something could actually come of it, when no, I was in fact, just being used. The idea that he actually wanted to be with me made me so happy, The kisses and the cuddles and the smiles and the butterflies you get when something good is happening. But no, wake up Katie, you don’t deserve any of that do you? I spoke to Kel about it and she said she thinks he really does like me but is just really lazy. Either way it’s not good and I feel like an idiot for it.'

Since then, a year later, we're in the reverse position. Matt is now really into me, and not at all concerned about the distance which is the initial reason we didn't hook up in the first place, and now i'm not sure and am very concerned about when we'd see each other etc. It's a bit of a mess, when i went and slept at steve's on thursday after planet i was very drunkenly texting him my worries and i think i really hurt his feelings, he claimed he doesn't want to lose me, and i got to thinking, do i like him enough for the hastle of a relationship which him? I don't know. It's a bit of a long distance, and i have become a bit of a comitafobe. I do like him, and i hope he never reads this, because it might hurt him, but it'd be very very difficult, and i'm not sure if i can handle the risk it'd put on our friendship as he is a very sweet guy. Also, since i left uni in march and me and him said we'd see how we'd go i've not exactly been not seeing other people, if you catch my drift? So not only have i unofficially been seeing other people he's unaware of but i'm not sure where it's going. But it's not like it's cheating because we were 'seeing how it goes' not acctually dating or anything. Am i trying to convince myself i was right to risk hurting him like that? Yes. I've made up my mind, i think, that i don't want to be with him, but i'm not sure if that's through fear or something, plus he's hurt me before, a lot, and i dunno if i can bothered to wade through that again.

Then there's the fact that i think i might like someone else. And i'm not telling you who. But i like him and he's lovely, if not a bit cocky, and it won't work so i'm not telling you incase he ever finds out and i begin to look like a knob.... again.

Anywho, now i'm done with my man tales and negitivity we'll move on.

I got a new tattoo:

And i'm also rocking the pink hair again:

I don't think there is anything new to report. Me and miller are looking for a house together, as i said up there. She's pretty desperate to find one, so it will be soon hopefully, and i can have a double bed again.... yay. and i can come home/go out whenever i like again. Living at home is a bit difficult sometimes :(

Anyway, will this do? Is it the update you always dreamed of?

Thought so,

ta'ra x

Hello, I'm in delaware

2009-03-27T18:19:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Ok not being able to properly blog is another thing we can add to my list of inadequacies, not being able to spell inadequacies is another.

Right, there is going to be a completely awesome blog coming your way er sometime in the near future but not now because it's 1.20 am and it'd be ridiculous to put epic effort into blogging now,

So ta'ra, hope you're all well n that x

A design for life

2009-02-22T11:18:00.000-08:00

Hello,

So i know... long time no blog, i am crap we know this.

So what's new, well nothing happy that you'll want to read about so i shall leave all that out of my blog today.

In other news, i am a vegetarian again. This is good, but also annoying as i was looking at getting a virgin sucides tatto. Which would make me look like a rving feminist, that and veggie thing would make me look like a hippy. And i don't want to look like a hippy. Then i remembered i don't really care enough about the virgin suicies to get it tattoed on myself, and then i realised i don't really care about anything enough anymore. and then i started getting down. So i am back to my original idea of getting the 3 of swords from the raider waite tarot deck, i love tarot. It's otherwise known as lord of sorrow "This card depicts a pure piercing sorrow of the mind. The sorrow must be felt and experienced for closure and relief to come." But yeah, the card itself is a bit emo, and i'd want to done sin city style with just the heart in red, and it's not paritcularily girly. Anyway. That's enough about my tattoo dreams.

I'm gettin my nose repierced next week too.

I'm struggling to write my essay on the production values of the wrestler. it's rubbish, i wrote several swear words there but deleted them in the interest of my readers.

Ta'ra x

So....

2009-02-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

Since i last blogged i have slept with someone i shouldn't. Been harassed by someone who claims to love me. Gotten fired and developed chronic ear ache.

Woo.

I used to think the past was dead and gone... but i was wrong... so wrong.

2009-01-24T06:45:00.001-08:00

What i've been up to.... in pictures :p

Seeing Sara

Playing on photoshop

Playing in the snow

Dying my hair red/orange

Swooning over Robert Pattinson

Going out....

Going out....

Going out....

Going out....

Yeah so that's about it. Oh and taking loads of photos too :p

Ta'ra x

Wholesale

2009-01-18T19:02:00.001-08:00

So I decided to make some extra dollar i'd sell some old clothes, books n the like on ebay, which has proven to be fairly effective. But i got to thinking, maybe i could make more money buying things for cheap n selling them on. So i found a great website that sells wholesale piercing jewlery, and decided maybe i could take the risk, buy some cheap n ebay them for a profit. People seemed to think this was risky, and probably with good reason. So i decided to buy ten belly bars in ten different colours to test this theory.... and it only cost me £2. So soon we shall see if i can tranform 20p belly bars into maybe £3 a pop n see if i can make any kind of a profit. what do folks think of this idea? just need to wait for them to arrive so i can list them. I think if it works it'll give me a bit extra pocket money :)

Anywho.. how're you all? I'm ok, fucking up uni though, not doing any work, and putting more time into stupid money making schemes. Hopefully i'm still on line for my 2:1 otherwise i'm phucket thialand.

Anywho, tooth ache, and film with sexy man. time for bed.

toodles. x

If i could sleep forever, would you still be in my dreams?

2009-01-08T10:35:00.000-08:00

Hello,

Sooooo back to uni n all that. Going out with folks tonight for mad drinking and then heading home tomorrow for Rhodesy's 21st. Anywho, look at this, i found it a few weeks ago and steve has inspired me to publish it here.... dunno why. I wrote it when i was like 14, and it's incredibly depressing, this is what i meant about hating and missing the person i used to be all at the same time:

To be honest, I think crazy is the calmest place to be. Expectations mean nothing, rules, nothing, limits, nothing. You can be who you want to be and the thrill of dealing with the disapproval of people is part of the fun. I love to be despised, I love the cold harsh coming home that I get when I realise that someone else disapproves, someone else despises, and someone else can’t handle the intense complexity that is your no mans land of a mind. People can be so cold, but colds how I like them, brutal, make your life hell, give you something to dwell on, something to be depressed about. Something to aim for, hating, killing in your head, throbbing pain aimed at others, but mainly at yourself. A pure unrivalled hatred for yourself, fuelled by the hatred provided by others. That kind of black, that kind of dark, that gloom that means you’re in that place, that place which welcomes you fully with it’s cold, dark, engulfing arms. That self hatred which takes little to set off but surrounds you for days, weeks and months. That overwhelming self doubt, paranoia and despair which can’t be avoided, welcome you back home safely to the chambers of the most dangerous thing in the world, yourself. And then you feel death, then you feel the emptiness, then you feel the chill. There is nothing but nothing, and no one but yourself. You repress, regress, regret. Hope is a long lost memory, you lost all hope last time it grabbed you, engulfed you, sucked you into its misery. The dejection hurts at first, but only at first, then it gets good. The anguish subsides and all that is left is nothing, nothing at all, you’re bouncing around in this empty shell after one big ole dose of suicidal medicine. Tired of the loathing, the hatred, the despondency, the desolation. Tired of breathing, living. You gave up on hope long ago, you gave up on prospect and chance, all that you know is black, all that you know is dark. Down and Troubled from A through Z. You feel the warmth near the end of the ride, finally the bitter, dark tunnel ends, you see light, you see hope again, you see dreams and colours and angels. But you’re quickly brought back down the cold desolate dystopia which is your mind by the soaring electricity surging through your chest. Surging with an immense power than fixes every bone, every nerve, every inch tingling in the raw elation that is agony, but you love it. You soak it in, every last little strand of shock, praying for it never to end.

Anywho,

That is all.

Katie x

Oh god i love you, i mean forever.

2008-12-31T11:27:00.000-08:00

Hello,

i just read all my old new year blogs. and there isn't much to reflect on really, and for that i feel like a failure. I am, exactly the same as i was except my skin looks more like this:

than this:

here are some facts about my 2008:
my music collection currently holds 2657 songs.
i have lost people.
i have learnt new things about people.
i have felt my own level, but not quite devestating, level of grief.
i have gone paintballing.
my make up bag will no longer fasten.
apparently i must know atleast 475 people.
my ipod is still going
i've written off one laptop and got a new one.
i've only taken 2 forms of illegal drug.
my alcohol unit count is beyond countable.
and i've not yet given into properly smoking.
cracked heel is still my enemy.
at last count i had 7 man made holes in my body and 2 tattoos.
and many scars.
i don't know my current bank balance so i can't tell you, but as of monday it will be considerably higher due to student loans.
i am 20 years old now. wow.
i currently have 2 outstanding assingments, and none intention to do them until next week.
reading and music are my only loves.
my friends aren't as good or reliable as i once thought.
and using them for a safety net was in my mind.
i miss and hate who i used to be all at the same time.
my writing project is 5% complete.
i love parsnips.

ok will that do? hope so. have a very jolly new year. i'll be doing my usual.

Night x

Louise gets to see warren cheating on his wedding day................

2008-12-25T08:57:00.000-08:00

(hollyoaks quote)
Hello.

So two weeks no blog. so very sorry. First things first.... Merry Christmas. I am a very happy girl today, i got a new laptop! it's immense! It's a HP G60100EM and it's lovely :) it's shinny and awesome. And i also downloaded sharepod and managed to copy all my music back to the harddrive :) which is doubley awesome. And i got a new camera yesterday with my bonus money from work... which is why at the end of this post there is a picture of beano staring at a washing machine.

Also i finished all 4 twilight books and am having mass withdrawl. Me and Katie are going seeing it at some point even though i've already seen it on the big screen i don't care... any excuse to watch it again and again... especially now i can do it on my new shinny laptop.

Anwywho apart from that how're you all? And for the simong'ers that read this i should think i can come to the meet as i am only in wolverhampton but i shall have to let you know nearer the time :)

I hope you all had a smashing xmas... without further adew here's beano staring at the washer...

ps: did i mention i got a new laptop? :D x

And so the lion fell in love with thelamb

2008-12-12T02:39:00.000-08:00

Hello,

So i appear to have become shite at this blogging thing again. In my defense it's mainly because i have been REALLY busy with uni work and all that jazz.

But it appears that the death of my blog, no matter how hard i try to fight it is definate :( Granted had i been trying to blog more than once a forntight it might not be so... but i am not giving up :p

Except for on this post as i really want to continue with reading eclipse. That's anothr thing keeping me from you.... the twilight saga!

Anywho....

Ta'ra

It's gettin' dark, too dark for me to see

2008-11-26T08:43:00.000-08:00

So... that's that i guess. Joe's mum's funeral was on monday, it was horrible. I mean it was a lovely service, and a lovely ceremony etc but it was just unbearably sad. There isn't really much to say about it. The hardest bit was easily steve's speach, he said 'i think i loved Karen more the day she died than the day we met', and that was horrible. I know the sentiment etc was lovely, but it was just a really hard, really testing, really upsetting day. And i truly wish she was still here and that none of them had to go through that day.

Dear Fate

2008-11-20T05:52:00.000-08:00

I believe in you. I have believed in you for a very long time. I belived in you enough to have you tattooed on my back. I believe that everything you do, everything you make happen, good or bad, is for a reason. That everything we do, good or bad, you punish or encourage us for a reason. But i am starting to lose faith in your reasons, yes you always have a reason but who decides if they're good reasons? You've fucked up big style this week, fate. I know you think you're doing the right thing, but are you really? are you sure you're not just angry at us all? I can't see any reason why these terrible things that are happening are happening, and i can see no good reason for them. so if you have any way, let me know why? please?

Come on fate, throw us a lifeline here?

Yours, Katie x

How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye?

2008-11-14T02:19:00.000-08:00

Hello,

So i know i haven't blogged for a very long time. Truth is i have nothing to say really. I've been as depressed, workloaded, busy and drunk as usual so what's new to say except this terrible news:

Yesterday Karen Pacey, Joe's mum, passed away. No one knew she had so little time left and she died half an hour before Joe made it home to see her. We all knew she was sick but we all thought she had ages left but the cancer spread to her spine and her stomach and she got sick through the chemo and through coughing broke some ribs and died at home. Words cannot describe bad we all feel. She was a part of so many people's lives and will be more than missed. All that we can do now is be there for Joe as he has to work through this really difficult time. That's what sucks most about these kind of situations, the lack of control. We've all spent a while crying over this, and i can sense we will spend a while longer, and i'd be shocked if Joe ever stopped crying. I just hope it gets better for everyone, especially Joe, Soon.

I'm going home tonight, to see Joe and my own mum and just to be home.

Sorry this was such a depressing update.

Katie x

You try and break the mould before you get too old

2008-10-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

OK, So i am in the library attempting to climb this mountain of work and paper work and general shite i have to do before next week. I am feeling that drinking the first 6 weeks of term away was probably a mistake, but in hindsight it was really very fun.

I have so far picked two books up, and formatted my page so my title looks pretty and i have been here half an hour. By the way.. if anyone knows of the answer to:

In her analysis of the horror film (The Monstrous-Feminine), Barbara Creed posits the feminine body as a source of monstrosity. Consider this approach in light of films shown in this module and evaluate how far it may be extended to representations of the masculine body. Refer to 2-3 films discussed in this module.

Then let me know.

I seem to be getting myself into a lot of trouble these days, mainly with drinking and the things i do and say when i have been drinking. Including one certain boy, and telling Kelly something i really shouldn't have. But i shall blog about the boy details of that side of things when i don't have a lot od work to get done.

Oh and it's halowe'en on friday so i shall enevitably be reading/posting back what i have done on halowe'en for the last 4 years :p As well as dressing like a zombie hill billy and hitting the planet.

So i best go. You'll get a truely awesome blog soon i promise.

xx

The more you change the less you feel

2008-10-15T02:45:00.001-07:00

I am almost becoming as bad as Claire (yes! You’ve been named!) at this blogging lark. As that crazy woman on the annoying fire safety advert says… I really need to pull my finger out.

So it’s just the usual third year shenanigans I’ve been going through, drinking too much being the afore and still mentioned biggest consumer of time. But I do love it so. We went to pound a pint last night which was fun and we’re going planet on Thursday as usual. It’s all good. This weekend it’s just me n Kel so we’re going to have a film and pizza night seeing as we’re both film students and never really get to chill out with one another: Mainly because one of us always in our own room due to lack of sofa space when Sam comes over.

Edd being the comical genius that he is has invented two hysterical, yet horrendously childish drinking games which he intends to par-take in by himself if none of us are willing. The first one came about when he said the words ‘I have an idea, when children in need is one lets play a game… lets drink every time I don’t give a fuck’. Which was harsh, but you know, pretty fucking funny truth be told. And the second one was called cock or giraffe but I’ll let you figure out that one by yourselves.

Work load is slowly mounting up. I intended to stay behind after work and do the essay that’s due in tomorrow, but I’ve left my glasses at home and it’s giving me a blinding headache. Damn being tired and forgetting things.

There isn’t really much to talk about to be honest. My life must seem pretty boring to you lot. I have been busy though. Lectures, work load, work, SOPHIE society running and getting my lip pierced have made this week oh so busy. Oh and Oli and Kim’s birthday thing, which as nice as it was to see everyone (unfortunately not everyone but there you go) it was a bit lame, there were massive queue’s at Alton Towers and the pub was a bit dull because everyone was so fucking knackered. I did kick so much ass on the dance matt though, I was chuffing amazing.

So yeah, as mentioned above I got my lip pierced. So woo! Go me! I finally bit the bullet and it hurt a damn sight less than my nose did. In fact I would go as far as to say that it didn’t hurt at all. Just a massive adrenaline rush, I was shaking so bad afterwards but it was good, and I like it and love how it looks. And feels. Unfortunately the aftercare states that I can not kiss anyone or partake in oral sex for a month. Which I wasn’t planning on anyway but it’s always nice to have the option. Ah well, it’s only a month out of my hopefully very long life.

Right you’ve gotten 528 words out of me, I think it’s time I was going and doing some actual work at work instead of slacking off.

Ta’ra x

Words i cannot verbalise

2008-10-04T06:37:00.000-07:00

So i know.... phenomenally shit at this blogging thing atm! what with not blogging for like... nearly a fortnight!

Truth is there is so many awesome things that have happened, and so many not so awesome things and it's getting a bit difficult to remember what i need to blog, need to leave out of my blog and what i simply can't blog. But most of my friends have given up with blogging and i refuse!

So there's been a phenomenal amount of drinking going on! i've been drunk countless amounts of time in the past fornight and my organs ache. i've said it time and time again that it's time for a break but i can't be arsed to say it again, simply know that i am trying to awaken my organs.

That is all.

I'm not afraid of happy endings, i'm just afraid my life won't work that way.

2008-09-22T10:59:00.000-07:00

Hey hey,

Yes i know, blogging has been errr sparse this past week or so. I'm sure you'll get over it though.

So yeah... i've not done much this last week or so. Just drinking mainly, and a bit of work. I've got my uncle's wedding this weekend which should be fun.

In truth i've been avoiding blogging in case i accidently go into ANOTHER rant about Nick and bore the socks of everyone. I appear to be the only person in the world who still gives a shit about him, especially when it comes to me. And seeing as most of my friends are shit and love to sit on the fence, even the ones who openly hate him, and it just makes me want to scream knob head at them. My hatred for him is spreading to my hatred or, more appropriately, distaste of our mutual friends. I know longer talk to one of them because he annoys me and he obviously can't stand me. Plus he's the most self centred, arrogant fuckwit in the world. And then there's another one, who you just shouldn't get me started on.

So uni has been awesome this week or so. We've had a proper awesome week of drinking and i'm really enjoying living in bright street. It's a proper good experience and at the moment i don't want it to end.

The End.

Without you i'm nothing

2008-09-17T02:51:00.000-07:00

Placebo for you... it's stuck in my head.

So aren't you lucky. One week two blogs!

I'm not feeling too fantastic to be honest. it's all self induced so you can take your sympathy elsewhere! :p

But we had a good night and that's all that matters. We went to Edd's friend's house and then to Yates's and it was really fun. One pound drinks, Jackass the movie and comfty sofas.

My freshers week motto: Freshers week would be brilliant without all the freshers!

chase this light : WARNING there's a lot of bad language in this post

2008-09-15T09:25:00.000-07:00

Hello,

so i figure i should blog before i leave for uni tomorrow. Even though i know we have the Internet there i just want to blog. Oh and i had another fun argument with Nick last night, he was all 'you're not getting your closure from me' last time we argued, but this time he has shot himself in the foot because i did get closure, i realised i fucking hate the stupid bastard and i hope he rots in hell, or at least lets me continue to live my life in peace, and if he doesn't and continues to be a dick i have more than enough sordid secrets to make his life very embarrassing for a very long time. I used these secrets to him in a text last night and he got all defensive and embarrassed and stopped replying... aw poor little boy. I feel i have won this one, on the grand scheme of the on going Katie v Nick situation i feel i have thoroughly won this one. I think we both said things which were out of order, although he'll never admit that. I told him i hope his girlfriend realises what a knob he is before he turns her into a suicidal mess.. although he'd probably get off on it and he told me to fuck off and go cut myself because it usually works for me. Any who, being the adult here i realise that i said some things which may have been hurtful, but i am reveling in that fact and too damn stubborn to apologise. either that or it's just because I'm not sorry. I'm at a point in my life where i have friendships and relationships with people that i want to, and they're exactly the way i want them all to be. I'm in control of my life now. And that little arrogant prick can go and rot in hell, and he would be doing for a very long time before i ever forgive him for the shit he's done to me. Anyway... uni.

So i went down there on Wednesday, my room's pretty sweet:

And the living room ain't bad either:

I'm excited though. We're going watching the wrestling tomorrow night and then going on to pound a pint at the royal London, tradition it seems it shinning through. I've just finished packing all my clothes and DVDs so it should be a pleasant trip. Especially if i can get mum to give me a lift to Manchester and i don't have to deal with the stupid X43 with a giant suitcase again. wow that was hellish.

Anyway, i have to eat and go in for my last shift... Can i get a "thank fuck"?

Danke,

Katie x

I never wanted to dance with no-body but you

2008-09-03T15:37:00.000-07:00

Hey,

So i have my disciplinary at work tomorrow. That's what i was talking about in my last blog but i can't be bothered to hide it anymore, now if i get fired i'll be really fucking angry and want to blog about it so i think for now i shall just out it. I might be getting fired tomorrow. Woo.

The purpose of this blog is to announce my marriage to a one Miss Sara Kime. We've been married for a day or so now, and i've already forgotten the date :p Whoops! But i want to blog about my good friend, and lovely wife, for no reason at all, just because i want to. And this blog is very 'get us, you will never be this good' Even though we fight sometimes and sometimes annoy each other no one means more to me. We don';t have to stand on ceremony. We don't have to work through small talk to get to what matters. And what matters is us, and our lives, to each other. We jibe at each other, and no one either other better than any one of us would like to admit, we can predict each other and know instantly when the other one is lying. Not to mention when the other one is upset/happy/angry/depressed/excited or more specifically when someone likes someone or is getting laid. Which is more on her part than mine. We help each other do our hair, we're completely honest, we tell each other what looks right what looks wrong. We trust each other, We text each other with the bluntest of things. A simple 'best sex of my life' or 'i want to kill myself' suffices in getting into a conversation that makes both of us feel better and instantly reassured that we've got someone in our lives like that. We talk to each other, we listen, we advise and when we can do no more we simply are just there, just to be there. We are simply the best. You cannot and will not beat us.

So i am here to write a toast to me and Sara... because no one else will, no one else needs to and we wouldn't care even if they did.

The angels have ash trays in heaven, yes smoking and drinkings allowed.

2008-09-01T15:59:00.000-07:00

Hello,

So long time no blog..

No much been going on to be honest. Just really fucking cold. Been working loads this weekend. Like 30 hours in 3 days :( I did have something to blog and i used to be all 'shit i need to blog!' but what's the point in forcing a blog when i've got nothing to say? it ends up looking like this?!?

So with that a bid you adue. I have a lot to think about and i want everyone to cross their fingers for me for tomorrow! i'm not telling you why, but just please do it. If it works i'll tell you why!

Katie x

Happy birthday to me

2008-08-17T15:39:00.000-07:00

So i better blog before my birthday crawls out and i have to write 'yesterday it was my birthday'.

So today is my twentieth birthday. Yesterday we went to Alton Towers and to the pub for it. It was fun and all that. But as far as birthdays go this one has been pretty depressing. I don't know why but it has been. I never started taking my pills again which could be why but i like to think it's for other reasons. On the plus side mum has let me chose the bag i wanted for my birthday, which is nice of her. But i don't get it until they get paid... i'll find a link... I think i like this one :

http://www.monsoon.co.uk/invt/38959735

In other news my new tattoo buzz has worn off and i want another one, but i am slowing down and thinking about it first :)

My feet really hurt!

Woo 4 days off!

(that's what my blog would look like i was on speed right now... or if i am just too lazy to blog)

Ta'ra x

I'm missus bad karma, another day, another drama.

2008-08-07T04:39:00.000-07:00

Yes i do feel bad for using a britney spears lyric as my blog title, but i needed one and i have 'piece of me' in my head. I thought it said i'm missus extradextradicious in the song, and i wanted to know what extradextradicious meant, but it turns out it says 'missus extra extra, this just in'. You may ask why i have been listening to Britney spears... It's because Jess has a shite taste in music and she's just gotten her new car, so new car cd, Full of shite. But it has kind of grown me... is this the end of my youth? the end of endless dedicated hours listening to funeral for a friend? story of the year? finch? glassjaw's cosmopolitan bloodloss?.... errrr NO!

Anyway, what's new? Errr not much. I've gone back to tormenting myself. Spending countless hours thinking about and researching and prying into the lives of those who've escaped me. I don't know why, i just, i can't handle people hating me. i'm always the one who apologises, grovels and generally lets myself be walked all over, and i just, it doesn't always work and i need to stop doing it. I want to be able to say i don't care what people think of me, and to let that be true. But i don't think it ever will be. Doesn't everyone care what people think of them? I don't know anymore. It's just i know once upon a time these people were my friends, and they haven't always hated me. I know now that i have some amazing friends. I can't get better than Sara, Joe, Luke, Matt etc. But at the same time they're separate, they were there at the same times as the ones i've lost and therefore aren't a replacement. I just feel so much more empty now i know that i can't even ask how said people are, i can['t even ask mutual friends how said people are. I just feel like i am loosing everything, i live in fear of going to asda or tesco or the pub incase i bump into them there. It's proper annoying. I'm not close to Rhodesy at all anymore, i feel like if i didn't make the effort to speak to him we'd probably never speak again. I used to check my phone and have millions of texts now i have one or two if i am lucky. Kim once said to me that she would never want to not be my friend, because by association she would have no friends left, and now i know that that's what i've done to myself. My friends aren't going to be there forever, and i trusted too much that they will. And i don't know, i can't go on fighting with myself day in day out about all the mistakes i have made.

And it is for this reason i have decided to go back to therapy and to go back on my medication, if i can bring myself to take it again.

I'm nothing more than a line in your book.

2008-08-03T08:46:00.000-07:00

So... I got a new tattoo yesterday. It's pretty sore ATM, because i knocked it at work.

I'm so tired. I just want to collapse. And no one can do anything at weekend for my birthday and i'm working on my birthday and it's gay.

Blah.

I know

2008-07-30T15:13:00.001-07:00

you've already been treated to one dose of crazy tonight but now my blog will only show my most recent posts. You won't be able to access archives or anything else i used to have posted around my blog, Now it is just a blog.

If you do for some reason need a specific entry then don't hesitiate to email me and i'll find said entry and send it to you, as they do still exist they're just not on show anymore.

Sorry

I've forgotten how it could feel to be alive

2008-07-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Well is there anything worth blogging about...

I've just been working mainly. Work is gay and i hate it, that's that bit of my life covered.

I'm meant to be going to the pub on friday and i just kind of pray nick isn't there. I don't know who's going because Rhodesy's organising it and to be honest, he's a bit rubbish at organising things. It's not that i don't want to see Nick, it would be nice to see him in person and know he's still real... but i know he would either be unpleasant and i'd have to leave, or he'd leave and i don't want that. He seemed pleasant enough on the phone, but it sounded like he was with someone so he might have just been keeping up appearances, although i hope not as i would like us to be able to be civil one day. I do miss him and i would like to know how he is etc. And also if it is his sister buying a dog or if there's another N.Slawicz buying a Pom from Nutshaw Kennels in Burnley... (that sign freaked me out when we went dog browsing and i saw it). It must be a terrible pain for people in the middle of us, like Dom and Rhodesy who have to deal with both sides. Although i understand their position all to well i doubt there is much i can do about it, and i am living in fear as they have made their views on the situation quite clear, that i am wrong.

In other news i think i am lonely. Not in a 'I must have a boyfriend way' but i dunno, it would be nice to be cuddled. I think it's since Nick started to hate me, because even as friends he would cuddle me when i was down, or just when i felt lonely. And i haven't had that for a while, not with someone i felt especially connected to. Me and Matt cuddled but it was just awkward 'what are we doing' cuddles. It's like Carrie in sex and the city when she is talking about wanting sex, and she says 'I just need to feel the weight of a man on me'... I'm not fussed about sex, i just want to feel close to someone, like hugs and kisses and the little things you get when your so connected to someone that feel so amazing... when you can kiss just for kissing and because they're so amazing, first kisses that is. When you have it you tend to take it for granted, or at least i did. And when you look like i do you can't just go to a club and pull and it's all good like, I'm amazed anyone has ever looked my way once let alone twice which is why my fling with Matt amazed me so much. I just, i don't know. I miss the feeling of being loved, or even cared about or whatever it was i had for Nick in our very long decent, if it was love, even when we're together i'm not sure either us will ever know, who ever knows whether what they feel is love. I miss the feeling of waking up next to someone that i love, or someone that cares for me. I miss the rush of being in love and i am fed up of people assuming i am single, and being right. Like when me sara and jess were in the pub a week or so back and a man asked if we were single, pointed to me and said 'i bet she's single'. It's not that i am desperately unhappy, but sometimes i get lonely. I am just indifferent to being single. I can't see an end to it either, it's like i make plans like i will be alone forever. And i don't want to settle for just any old person, like i don't want to jump the first guy that comes along just because he's there ( otherwise i wouldn't be single anymore) and i think that's why Matt appealed some much, because i acctually liked him and he liked me and it was all ncie for a change, but then that fucked up too didn't it? I can't see my knight in shining armor turning up on my doorstep anytime soon... especially just for a cuddle.

Apart from that i have been living my usual life... not even bothering to hope that things get better soon because i am not naive enough to think that they will.

Well, if this is all i'm meant for, i'm no longer interested.

2008-07-21T10:19:00.000-07:00

Hey,

First of all my sister has given up hair dressing. she's fully qualified and everything but she's decided to become a care worker, and has got the job she went for today that will train her to a nvq in care work, which is what she wanted, so hopefully it'll make her a lot happier.

Secondly, my feet are a lot better. i don't have to wear anything on them anymore, it just looks gross. Like a ninety year old's foot or something.

Thirdly climbing malam cove with a hang over is incredible in many ways. One it makes you feel better and worse. Two it makes you feel you've accheived something and three it makes you feel good about your drunken state, when you realise it would have been worse to be on top of that cliff drunk, not just hungover.

Fourth-ly. Still feeling really down.

Fifthly, Sara's here for the week, woo and yay, it's great seeing her. I nearly cried in the train station, no honestly, i nearly did. I love her so much.

Sixthly, oh no, wait, that's it.

Bye.

Today...

2008-07-09T09:44:00.000-07:00

today has thrown me back into ways of thinking i didn't know i would think again. They're no stranger to me but i don't exactly welcome them back with open arms. I have felt like i was trapped in a grey space for a long time, but i woke up this morning, after the afore mentioned accident, and just felt, dark. I felt consumed again, lost and trapped. Completely absorbed by feeling i haven't felt at this intensity for a while.

I had plans and i feel like the life has been sucked out of me, enough to stop me seeing my future as more than tomorrow. I don't want to be here any longer. I'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of arguing, i'm even tired of breathing. The only thing i wasn't tired of was my friends, but now i feel like none of them understand me and they are all out to leave me.

This is unrelated but i feel i need to spell it out. I found out Nick was laughing about my accident which really hurt my feelings. Nick's put me in the situation of knowing that if i dare to show my face when there is a social event with any of my friends he will make it incredibly difficult for me to remain at said social situation so i am now a social prisoner. what can i do? i have no idea. My depression is returning full and fast and now i know i won't have many friends or situations which i can smile at i don't know what to do to help myself, or if i even want to help myself anymore. I just feel, exasperated, sad and lonely and i know that very few people acctually care about me anymore.

The way i see things there's only one way.

Not my best moment...

2008-07-09T03:09:00.000-07:00

Last night i tripped over the deep fat fryer power cord and spilt the boiling fat all over my feet.

I went to hospital last night but after what accumulated in a 5 hour wait, we left.

I'm in a lot of pain and my feet are very swolen. I can't put shoes on or walk comfortably and i had to sleep with my feet out of the bed in a bucket of water.

My life sucks sometimes.

Just 'kos

2008-07-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so witty sometimes it hurts, and also very deluded.

So i am back in england, the rain is a massive hint to that fact. I had a great time, we rented quad bikes, drank obscene amounts, everyone except me got sunburn, argued, laughed, cried, smiled, i got stuck in toilets, set things on fire, got accused of shop lifting, asked stupid question and tried to put off panic attacks whilst flying. i can't sum it all up in words so here are some photographs of oli, jess and rhodesy to do it instead.

KOS!!!

2008-06-26T14:57:00.000-07:00

Arrived ok, having an amazing time. hope everyone is ok. So far i have set a hair dryer on fire, Gotten locked in a toilet and been accused of shop lifting tomato ketchup.

Miss you all, hope you are all well.

xxx

here i go again on my own.

2008-06-18T14:36:00.000-07:00

Hello,

long time no blog i guess, not overly in the mood to blog, off to greece on saturday so there might not be a blog for a few weeks.

meeting claire for a brew tomorrow, which will be nice.

Bye bye

hometown glory

2008-06-11T08:44:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Well not much is going on with me atm. Just counting down the days to my holiday, 1 week 4 days, woo. Oh and i passed year 2 with a 2.1 and my nose piercing is still infected, so it's vital days for it. I get my acrilics next week, my sister is buying me them as a get out of a jail card for reading my chat logs. I've never had fake nails before but i'm not getting massively long ones.Just the short square ones, if i don't like them i can always take them off.

I've just been working mainly, and clearing with mum my wrist tattoo designs for when i come back from greece. We've picked one that will be coverable with a watch if i am not wearing a long sleaved shirt so shouldn't interfere. I know of two people who disagree with wrist tattoo's and think i'll regret it, and if i do regret it it will be solely my responsibility. I don't think i will, and i am looking forward to getting it, but i can't decdie whether or not to get my foot one first or not, i'm not sure. The way i see it i am going to look crap when i am old anyway and it's my life and my choice, so it's up to me.

I have work later, i am not looking forward to it. I hate work with an all consuming passion, i seriously want to murder customers when i am there, and if not customers, myself. It's the bane of my existance.

Oh and my computers wireless card has died, so i am not online unless i'm on my mum's until i have enough cash to get it fixed, so it's waiting for a while, hence the slack bloggage.

Anyway,

ta'ra x

I'll burn before you bury me, set your sights for the sun

2008-06-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

So that's my tattoo, it's a really bad photo. It's acctually straight on my back, not wonky or blurry. but hey, that's just the picture. Claire's seen in it in the flesh so she can vouch for that. It's heeled nicely and i am planning my next ones. I want a vine from just under my knuckle on my thumb, running down my hand on rolling onto the inside of my wrist and runniing another 2 inches. But that one is taking some serious thought. I also want a fairly large on one my foot, i've googled some ideas, these are the ones i like:

But i don't know, i don't want the same design as anyone else so i am currently desining myself, I also want the locket from slaughter house five on my lower back, you know the one that says: 'god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can and wisdom to always tell the difference'. But these are all just ideas, and i can't do any of them until i get back from greece. For two reasons, one.. fundage. two, i can't soak them if i get them done now which would mean no sea or pool in kardemena :p

In other news Matt is still making me crazy. i do really like him, but it's daft and can't work because of distance etc, but we talk ALL the time... on monday he texted asking if i was ok because he'd not managed to catch me online or by phone that day, random. But lovely, i just worry i could be reading into things that are no longer there, you know? Oh i don't know.

Also my baby cousin Hatty has had a fit, she's in hospital atm but hopefully she'll be out in the next few days, they're trying to figure out whether or not she has epilepsy. it's making me quite sad, i love hatty, she's adorable and always falls asleep on me :( I hope she gets well soon.

Well i have to go now, see you later xx

I hate

2008-05-30T08:45:00.000-07:00

that my nose piercing is infected
that nick probably loves that fact
that i can't sleep on the arm rhodesy punched me in
that my dad felt the need to throw my vans at me and bruise my other arm
that i bought the wrong dye to tie dye my turqouise vest top
that i can't sleep here because it's so fucking silent
that when i do sleep i sleep walk and annoy everyone
that there's a ghost living in my room that is quite clearly trying to eat me
that slaughterhouse five is a very thin book and won't last me 2 days let alone 2 weeks so i need to order more books for greece
that i will never marry Jared Leto/Timothy Olyphant
that i am having a spotty day
that i have nothing to wear to the pub
that i have no money
that my hair needs dying again
that i've no where to chill here
that my room is the size of a shoe box
that people in asda walk so slowly they're almost stationary and i want to hit them in the back of the head
that my friends don't realise i am a girl and i am breakable
that i miss him

I'll cut out the part of me that cares too much for you

2008-05-21T07:18:00.000-07:00

The above is what will be gracing my back as from 4.30 tomorrow afternoon. I checked it with the Latin tutor before work to make sure it was all spelt right and everything, and it is, so that's good.

I don't think there is any other news. I went swimming with sam and mel yesterday, and we got thrown out of the sauna, which was annoying. Then me mel and kel went to watch the wrestling.. i felt like carrie bradshaw from sex and the city. We were all there sat on the front row, drinks in hand, rating the wrestlers. Phwoar there was one very pretty emo one, he was more than a bit of alright :p

Anyway what else is new? Tonight i am going to Kel's then tomorrow i have work at 2-4 then tattoo-ness, then heavy drinking and I HAVE FRIDAY OFF WORK! halle-fucking-lujah! I am so happy. I can drink drink drink and drink even more and not have to worry about getting out of bed! Yay! And then on Saturday i am going to drayton manor with Mel Sam and Mel's little brother.

Somewhere in all this i need to find the time to pack! Mental!

How is everyone then? I'm pretty nerveous about tomorrow now!

See you

xx

Menstrualy challenged.

2008-05-18T12:48:00.000-07:00

I got my period! woo! i'm neither up the duff, nor dried up and life is all good. Except it has now made me incredibly spotty in the week i need not to be spotty as this week is the week one of two things will happen..

One i will end up with matt
Two i will convince him of what he's missing

Yes one of those two things will definatly happen, especially if i am not a spotty monster.

Tattoo booked for thursday folks! I'm not nerveous i'm all exctied!

Love me x

Loving is fine if you've plenty of time to be standing on stilts at the edge of your mind.

2008-05-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hey,

So it's sunny again, really sunny. It's too hot, i don't like it.

Anyway. I am now done with Nick Slawicz. I know that sounds horrible, and i realy am truly saddened that we couldn't work something out, but it quite clearly wasn't meant to be. He knows where i am if he wants to talk to me, but i am not going to beg and i am most certainly not going to chase him anymore. I loved him, but times have changed, i have changed. I'm not the person that i was when i loved him, as a boyfriend or a friend, i've grown up a lot and i'm just, i'm living for the moment now. There's no point to life if you're constantly being in situations you don't like. But when i've counted up all the times he's said to me 'i want to go out alone because you depress me and ruin my night', 'your depression is starting to ruin my life', 'Don't come if you're just going to be depressed and ruin everything', it was ridiculous. He made me feel so bad about myself towards the end. I think he used my depression as an excuse more than i did, I know i have a problem and i am trying to fix my problem, or atleast live with it. But Nick, Nick can't even admit he has one let alone atempt to change it, Stepping out of a comfort zone would be too much for him. He's comfortable lying and cheating his way through but ask him to get help so you don't have to walk away and he does nothing. That's what he doesn't understand about this, it got too much, i had to walk away.

Anyway, there have been a few Matt developments for anyway reading this desperate for a slice of my none existant love life. I thought he was ignoring me, but last night he was ok with me, well after a while. He took a while to start acknowledging my existance and then it was just like nothing had happened. I spoke to Kel about it and she said Matt had told her he did like me, after the event and while he was sober. So i don't know, why can't he just make the first move, that way i know what's going on and there's no grey areas or ambiguity. Last night when we were all round their's getting high and watching the big lebowski our body language was amazingly, i don't know, coupley. I know that sounds random but i can't explain it, i could just sense it. I just wanted to cuddle him, but instead i curled up and fell asleep. I like him, i really do, i havn't had a proper crush for a long time. It's not good.

What else is new? Well i ballsed up my exam, go me. and i have another tomorrow i might not even get out of bed for :p My hair extensions arrived so now i can have my lovely short emo hair, or my lovely long emo hair :p My new shoes still haven't turned up though, which is REALLY annoying me!

OK then, i can't think of anything else to say. Oh yes i'm part way through designing my tattoo, but i haven't finished it yet and want it to be perfect. I've got the main bit that i want finished but i haven't decided yet, there's something missing. It's going just under my collar bone though, on the left hand side.

Anywho, ta'ra x

I believe in dreams

2008-05-12T02:29:00.001-07:00

So,

Things are not really that good at the moment.

On Friday I had my bag stolen from work. I lost my phone, bank cards etc and my DKNY perfume which I am most upset about because it was massively expensive. I still have the same number thanks to the lovely o2 but I don’t have any of your numbers, so if you would be so kind as to email them to me I would be grateful.

Things with Matt are, well, awkward. I was worried this would happen and like an idiot I let myself get trapped in by the ‘we’s’ and the promise we could make it work, let alone all the compliments I’d dreamed of him thinking that were suddenly emerging from his mouth, albeit slightly drunkenly. And like a complete naïve retard I let myself get charmed into bed thinking something could actually come of it, when no, I was in fact, just being used. The idea that he actually wanted to be with me made me so happy, The kisses and the cuddles and the smiles and the butterflies you get when something good is happening. But no, wake up Katie, you don’t deserve any of that do you? I spoke to Kel about it and she said she thinks he really does like me but is just really lazy. Either way it’s not good and I feel like an idiot for it.

Apart from the matt thing I am pretty much just moping about in the sweltering heat. I have given up eating because it makes me fat and am living off rice, salad and orange juice for the time being until I can be thin, and therefore wanted. It’s a genius plan, and hopefully will work and I can cope off with many boys and behave exactly like they do to me. Idle promises just to get what I want.

I’ve got an exam tomorrow, and one on Thursday and then it’s just work and then I’m done. I’ll be sad cause I’ll miss my friends but I will see Sam, Mel and maybe Kel on the 7th of June for her 21st birthday, which will be nice. I’m looking forward to it. But I will also be glad to be home I guess. I miss my home friends, not so much my family, but I don’t know, I’m not finding great satisfaction in anything at the moment. I think this is the time I get to say I am truly fed up of it all.

Life’s a bitch, and then you die.

Katie x

Propane Nightmares

2008-05-09T02:27:00.000-07:00

I am not a happy one today.

I have had no sleep, this was due to me staying at the planet until 4am when they kicked us out, drinking to much, and sleeping in Matt’s bed knowing full well I had to be at work for 10am and the half hour walk would kill me. I gave in, got a taxi and
now I am at work, not looking my freshest if I’m honest.

I’ve not stayed up all night in the longest time, I was lying there watching the sun creep in the window, and then I felt sick so I rolled over. It was nice while it lasted though.

I think the friendship boundaries between me and Matt may have been pushed last night, it was odd, good odd, I think. I spent a long time wanting it to happen and then, 2 weeks before the end of term, whoosh it does. He was telling me we can make it work; he’d make the effort to see me. And I’m like, that’s all well and good, but I don’t even know where Solihull is let alone how to get there. Plus the times I live in wolves that’s all well and good, but the times I’m in Lancashire, it’s a 2 hour, expensive, train journey. Is it wrong to be thinking about logistics instead of like, the actual thing of it? Well he told me he liked me, and apparently has done since ‘he first slit my throat’ (those of you who read my blog will remember the post about us making Kel’s film with her). He also told me that he wasn’t just saying it because he was drunk and he kept asking me why it had taken so long for us to hook up. To be honest I’m a bit ‘run home and hide under the covers’. I’ve not been in a relationship in a long time, and there’s always the ‘what if I’m really bad in bed!’ problem. And he’s very nerdy, well he’s odd. He’s like emo and nerdy at the same time, he plays war hammer for gods sakes. I think it’s his fault I’m so hung-over, what with him giving me a double vodka when I now whole heartedly avoid it due to the massive hangovers it gives me. I drank so much water when we got in as well, and I still feel crap.

Anyway,

That’s it, my personal life spread across the internet for your reading pleasure.

Katie x

Ps: how did I make it to 19 without realising ‘as well’ was two separate words?

Remember, you're a wreck, you're an accident, forget the freak... you're just nature.

2008-05-08T06:35:00.000-07:00

I have recently opened an Amazon seller’s account, for two reasons:

One. I don’t like eBay
Two. I have a lot of books to sell and similar shit to sell.

So far I have made £8.18 profit, which isn’t bad considering I’ve been open like 2 days. I’ve sold a book and a DVD for that. And postage was like 69p on each of them, so that’s good. I have decided to be one of those nice Amazon sellers, I have had little cards printed at work that have cassette tape backgrounds and a space for me to write ‘thank you for your purchase, don’t hesitate to contact me should you find a problem’. I always like getting thank you notes in my purchases. It’s proving to be quite good, although I am getting somewhat addicted to listing things and I am having a lowest price battle with an American seller who is trying to out sell me on my halliwell film guide, which is worth a lot of money! Bastard, we’re taking it in turns to lower our price by a penny each time! My account is already being abused by joe however, the book me and the yank are penny dropping over is worth about £60 and then i got a precarious message:

Hello, I was wondering if maybe you'd maybe accept £1.74 for this book, if we treat it as a cash sale? Go on, an entire £1.74. Maybe, if I really try, I can stretch to £2, but I'd prefer not to, it's not worth that much. Many thanks,
PaceyJ

To which i replied:

Dear Potential Buyer,
i apologise but i am not willing to accept that price for the product in question. I would need £2.10 or more to consider dropping my price so drastically,
kind regards,
Katie Bishop

To which Joe replied:

Dear seller,
I apologise, but £2.10 is outrageously outside my price range and frankly I think you are being simply extortionate! £2.10 for a film 'studies' book? I mean seriously?! Well, I hope you accept that you have lost a customer here today!
PaceyJ

To which i replied:
Don't worry sunshine, i could get atleast £3 from some other red blooded male who see's me as a sexy film guide seller, just becasue you quite clearly fancy men doesn't mean my price was wrong.

To which he replied:
I hope you don't talk to all your customers like this!

Then we had a good laugh and left it at that, i have no idea why i felt the need to blog that, it just seemed funny to me at the time!

IT’S TOO HOT! I don’t cope well with summer, the last two days I have looked like a hippy, wearing baggy, ripped at the knee jeans and various vest tops, with pumps and a bandana holding my hair and fringe up, because it’s too fucking warm! I’m going to be fun in Greece aren’t i? I have hay fever, I get headaches, I get grouchy and sweaty and then I get prickly heat. And I can’t escape it. Last night I slept in my underwear with no duvet and the window wide open! It’s ridiculous. Yesterday I watched the entire season 2 of sex and the city whilst fanning myself with a piece of card, lying on my bed, drinking ice water in a baggy t shirt. It was cooler inside than outside, it’s not good. The second someone suggests a BBQ and a picnic I will run into hiding, I like being this pale, my skin does not like sun, and I do not like sun! Bring on winter.

Anyway, apart from that not much else is new. I have done all my essays for this year! Woo! Now only 2 exams to go and then it’s home free for the summer, well I hope, knowing my luck someone will accidently enrol me in a summer school on mars studying ceramics, that would not be good.

OK gonna go, what with being at work,

Hope all is well.

Please forget the year I failed you, I won't hold you anymore

2008-05-04T15:21:00.000-07:00

tonights title is brought to you by inme, the song 'in loving memory'.

So my life is a bit of a mess at the moment. Here's why.

I am not pregnant, which is good, but also means there's no clear reason i've not got my period, which is not so good. And i want it, i never thought i'd want it but i do, it's getting ridiculous now. So that's why that area sucks.

Nick, me and nick generally suck, well, because of my nose piercing pretty much. I have to chose between taking it out and never doing anything like it again so he'll talk to me again (but it won't be how it used to) or having free reign off my life and saying fuck you nick. Answers on a postcard please, because it is a really hard decision. I just don't know what to do, on the one hand i love him and we have good memories etc, but i worry that sometimes the way we are now will start to contaminate those memories. Which is not a good thing, but is still was a very good friend to me. And on the other hand i don't know if i want to live a life with restrictions of that nature. I'm not even slightly sure what to do about that one, so if anyone fancied coming deciding for me i'd be more than grateful.

I have an essay due for wednesday that i havn't seen the films for or even have a clue about writing, which is already on an extension. And i just can't bring myself to do it because i know it'll bring me further down than i am already and i have been crying about 3 times a day for the last week. I also have 2 exams to revise for and it's just not worth thinking about. Plus for my lit essay i got a D which means i need to resit it next year, if i even get into my 3rd year because my attendance has been shocking due to my depression, i swore i'd never use it as an excuse but there you go.

Also, my cousin has been in hospital for the last few days, while jumping a fence she skewered her hand, ripped it off and tore away all the muscle and skin. After waiting two days they finally opperated to try and repair her hand but in the process had to lose her, now dead, little finger and wedding finger. She doesn't know yet because she hasn't come around, the decision was made mid surgery, so she didn't even know that losing her fingers was an option. Her mum, my aunty joanne, is in bits. it's a bit terrible.

So i am generally quite shit, quite depressed and over all, not good.

Hope everyone else is well.

Katie x

Scene's of a menstrual nature.

2008-04-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

OK so i understand this isn't very lady like. But i need some advice. It's been 9 weeks since i last had a period. there are now 3 options:

1- take a pregnancy test.
2- accept i have hit very early menapause and move on
3- see a doctor.

So does anyone know what could be causing this? other than the obvious which i think i should check after work. The change i could be pregnant is a long shot, but still possible and that would put my mind at rest.

OK, what else is new.

I had an exam this morning, it was terrible. like truly terrible. bloody french cinema, it took me half to time to figure out how to spell the title of the film!

OK i'm off

toodles.

I laugh about the past, but secretly, i wish i could go back.

2008-04-28T02:41:00.000-07:00

So I was late for work this morning, I have no idea what happened. I got up, had a shower, and had some toast and a coffee, the next thing I know my manager is on the phone asking where I am. I am very confused; I think I must have fallen asleep or something. Bizarre.

So my nose is pretty sore, mainly due to the fact I’ve accidently ripped it out twice, but for the most part it’s happy and healthy, if I a bit crusty. I’ve also had the pink put back in my hair, which is good ‘cause I loved it. But at the moment it looks like someone has highlighted my scalp because there’s still pink dye there. It’s funny. I have to go try and find a titanium nose wire in my lunch because I keep accidently knocking a stud out, so if I can find a titanium one I will attempt to change it myself. Which may hurt a bit but I’m sure it’ll be worth it in the end. Also I have lost a stone, my family keep commenting that I’ve lost a bit of wait but I hadn’t noticed it myself, I still looked a bit of a chunk, but the scales say I’ve lost a stone, so woo. I doubt anyone other than my mother can notice because she obsesses over criticising my appearance.

I had a nice weekend this weekend. I went home again, as I mentioned in my last blog, and pretty much spent the weekend dossing around. I watched some TV with dad, and played Wii golf and had a ride in the new car, I had my hair done, had one very good’s nights sleep, got my ass whipped at call of duty 4, again and just generally had a pretty nice weekend. I’m looking forward to summer now, just because I want my bed, even though I love uni a lot.

Err I don’t think there’s anything else to report. Err I’m being forced to learn to drive over summer and I’m trying to convince mum to go halves on a £300 car for me for a cheap run around if I pass. You can get a fairly decent bubble fiesta for £300 don’t you know! :p plus that way I can drive to visit people instead of having to get the stupid train, retards. But I am strangely looking forward to it, I’m considering booking a driving lesson for this weekend and starting early here. It shall be good, I did like driving, and I did take to it, it was just too expensive. But mum and dad want me to learn while I am still at home so I actually get it done rather than just putting it off forever.

OK gonna go finish my essay, and then at lunch beg for an extension to my tutor’s for Wednesday’s essay and oh bugger I need to do some revision for my Wednesday exam.

Crap.

Katie x

I know, the days will come and go,
But baby Ill grow old, but I will die.
For now, is it worth it to be sad, if its harder to be glad to be alive?
For the trouble I have caused
I wonder,
Where do I belong?

Is it here?

We're out of time and i can't breathe, i told you not to believe in me

2008-04-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I know i know! in my defense i wrote a blog on wednesday but it was in the middle of the maintenence thing and it got deleted. So anyway, what's new.

Well a lot is new, the newest thing being my new nickless life style after my nose stud. It makes me sad, not sad enough to regret doing it but sad he doesn't value me enough to get over it. It didn't hurt, it was quick it painless, he sat me down, shot me in the face and then i left with a little green stud in my nose. I love it, it's a bit swolen and i keep gettting scared when i sneeze, and i have to sleep with a plaster over it as it's no back and might fall out in the night, but after 4 weeks i can change it and i am going to get this cute little black titanium nose wire with a pink stone in it which will just stay in on it's own. One thing i did get told though was 'don't make out with anyone when you've just had it done', by god they were right. Matt got overly friendly and drunk last night and kissed me, a few times and it hurt. And then he thought i found him unattractive because it hurt that much to kiss him that i couldn't do it. :$ darn it, damn nose stud getting in the way of me and hot men i kind of like.

Anyway, i am mightily work stressed. my disertation proposal has gone in, one of my essays has 400 words left to be written, the one due for tuesday i havn't started. i have an exam on wednesday and then a week off and two more exams the week after. it's a fun life. But then it's summer and it's less than 2 weeks until greece now! I am so excited it's untrue!

I am going home after work tonight, i just want my bed and a sense of familiarity after i've had a chunk of it cut out so irrationally and suddenly. people say it's my choice and i made him leave, but it's not, it's his. It's my nose, and it's Nick's problem.

Anywho, i shall upload piccies when i get a half decent one.

I'll blog soon, i promise.

Katie x

I can feel you all around me, thickening the air i'm breathing.

2008-04-09T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hey,

Wow, aren't you lucky, i'm blogging from my bed and not work!

So what's new. I'm talking to my brother on MSN, which is still odd.

I went to alton towers yesterday again with Kel, Mel and Sam, we had such a good time! Here's our ride count:

Oblivion 1 (just sam and kel)
Sumission (just sam and kel)
Nemesis x 2
Air x 2
Runaway mine train x 3
Ripsaw
Enterprise
Rapids
Log Flume
Duel
Blade
Corkscrew (Mel Kel and Sam)

So we did quite well i think. We didn't get lost with our shoddily written directions and no gps :p We had a lot of fun. Me and Mel got the wetest, i could ring out my new rita hoody (bought on sale because i was so damn cold when we got there) when i got home after the 1 hour journey.

I have decided i want to become a primary school teacher. i can still do it even though i don't have a national curiculum degree because i have an english a level and good gcse's in english maths and science at gcse. Means i need to start getting my voulentary work in soon! But i do want to do it. People seem to think i can be good at it. It does mean the previously mentioned lip ring is out the wirdow though because no one will let me work around small kids with holes in my face.

Anyway,

I should go and bask in my new cleaner than clean room. :D

Katie x

What do you think....

2008-04-06T11:25:00.000-07:00

This is a broken hoop earring, not the reald deal. But i wore it to the planet last night and everyone said it looked nice. Joe also said it looked nice. Cast your votes folks....

I'm ready to die in obscurity

2008-03-31T05:16:00.000-07:00

Yes yes I know. I’m really bad at keeping up to date with this thing recently. I’d give up only I’ve been doing it for 3 years now so it seems like a lost of wasted time and words if I give up now. It’s not like there’s nothing to tell you all, because there is, I’m just really bad at doing the things I say I will. Like blogging, this will be my 4th blog for march only just making it one a week, how pathetic is that?

Anyway. Yesterday I came back to uni, something very strange happened. I was getting off the train with my 50 million bags, I got into the lift blissfully unaware of anything as usual only to be told by the lifts tanoid ‘don’t panic, help is coming’. Now some people (ok, very few, but I’m sure they’ll be one or two out there) would take this as a sign from God. Others would assume that someone had accidently pressed the alarm button. I stared at it blankly, did exactly the opposite of what it had the lift had advised and panicked a lot when the doors closed as my irrational, sleep deprived, shopped out state of mind had come to the conclusion that I was going to plummet to my doom. I didn’t, and 30 seconds later I was on the over bridge and swimming free. A lot of drama for a short lift ride I thought.

So what else is new with me then? Well I am counting down the days until Greece. In case anyone cares it’s 82 days. In 82 long boring days I shall be floating around Kardamena wearing a gypsy skirt and 3 litres of sun cream. It’s going to be amazing. I’ve started collecting cheap bits from Primark for my holiday, only things I don’t already have really like flip flops and a sarong. Oh and a dress with polka dots on it. I need to get a spare XD for my digital camera and an SD for my video camera, just so I don’t run out and have to pay an extortionate amount for one from a tourist shop. The amount of alcohol that shall be consumed between the four of us (me Rhodesy Oli and Jess) will be phenomenal, I cannot wait for it. A nice break at the end of a very long year. Jess is lucky though, not only does she get us 3 flying to Kos for her 18th but she gets a party too. I am mighty looking forward to it though, in a strange way I miss the madness and drama o of the 18th birthday party from my sixth form days. Drunken youths falling all over the place, a drunk girl making a big deal of nothing. Some drunken guys who think they’re cool when they look like pale pasty beanpoles who can’t handle their beer. Oh wait, that’s what we’re still like.

I had a lovely hangover yesterday, which considering I didn’t drink that much (1 archers and lemonade, 2 jack and cokes, one blue wkd, 1 aftershock shot and 1 glass of wine) so I didn’t deserve the hangover I had, considering I wasn’t drunk at all. Stupid body, making me feel old. I’m nineteen! Not fifty. :)

We booked paintballing for Oli’s birthday yesterday. It looked good. It was £50 for 8 of us which includes the full body armour, head wear, weapons, refreshments and eight hours of playing. The only things we have to pay for are the paintballs which are £10 for the first 100 and £6 for every hundred after that, and any paint or smoke grenades that you might want. You can also borrow canister rucksacks to put your paint ball canisters in so you don’t find yourself out of ammo half way through the game. I’m looking forward to it, even though it isn’t until October. The course looked good too. It has bridges and empty buses and planes that can be used to hide in and for cover. Plus there are different kinds of games that can be played, either against each other or against other teams doing all different things. Like trying to take control of a village, or a free for all. But he’ll love it because he’s so into halo. When we told him we’d booked he was so excited and was planning all the extra grenades to buy and equipment to rent. Bless him. Plus we got a £50 off voucher for go karting which is what we’re going to be doing for my 20th so it’s all worked out well.

My little brother has MSN. It’s weird. He’s only Seven (well nearly eight). So yeah, that’s odd. I don’t know where that came from to be honest. Him having MSN or me writing about it :p

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about all the things I need to do. So my plans for the foreseeable future (and a bit futher ahead) are to stop browsing ebay. Collect more holiday essentials, ie. Travel adaptor for my ipod, work my ass off over summer for next year, go to asda, catch up with mel, tidy my room, go to order my new glasses, sew a button back on my coat, finish an essay for tomorrow, start my essays and revision for may, go to more than 1 lecture a week, find somewhere for go karting for my birthday, turn the air con down when I’ve finished blogging and take my happy meds on my dinner cause I forgot.

Ok I think this update will do, 985 words all together. Hope all is well with y’all.

Love Katie.

PS: Joe’s started calling me ‘Bish’ and as a result Rhodesy’s started calling me ‘Lethal Bishal’. Neither of this names are acceptable and anyone found using them will be dealt with accordingly :p

Instead of stressed, I lie here charmed.

2008-03-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

Hey,

I was just sitting here doing nothing at all thinking of an excuse to put in my next blog about why i havn't been blogging recently, then i realised i could just be blogging instead.

So how are we all? I'm good thank you. I've been watching a daft amount of movies recently and one i was shocked to enjoy was black snake moan.It's about a religious samuel l jackson tying a promiscuous christina ricci to a raditor to repent her of her sins after he finds her half dead in the road. it's strangely good and they're both shockingly good at acting it. You should watch it anyway.

Also i wathed atonement this afternoon. It's very good, but also very odd. It's very very sad though. I can't figure out why it's so good it just is, i think it's clever the way it's filmed. What else have i watched recently.... Errr robots? that was quirky and fun in the pixar film way, especially the line : 'you see me getting smaller? that's me running away!'

On thursday i went to see Faye's sister in the muscial We will rock you. It's very good, they were shockingly good singers. It always makes me want to start singing again when i go to a show. A pipe dream and nothing more i guess.

Anyway, that's all for now i reckon. Oh i'm back on my anti depressants, yes, my brief stint off them was a stupid decision wasn't it? But i needed to do it to just feel myself again. Being so numb is strangely tiring and i just needed a break from it, even feeling that bad was good compared to how blank i felt, but now it's time to get on with life again chin up walk on and all that... even if that means doing it with a head full of what feel like personality tranquilisers. I guess this proves i was ill though.

Ok now that's all. Seriously.

Night folks. x

ps: Alton Towers tomorrow!!!! xxx

I can't imagine how incredibly painful it must be to be you.

2008-03-07T04:31:00.000-08:00

So I didn’t want to go another week without bloging. I’ve been doing this too long to give up now, I refuse to bow down to the blog block monster and hang up my bloging towel.

I haven’t been doing much this week, just work mainly. Last weekend I went to Sara’s, which was a lot of fun. I should have bloged about that sooner so I could remember it all but seeing as I am rubbish I didn’t so these were the highlights… We went out for tea, which was nice, and Sara got a cow named ‘Charlie Carlos’. We went shopping, to the pub and won £4 on a quiz machine. We also gave each other stupidly bad make overs and had a girly night watching wife swap :p. I had a good time :)

OK so this weekend Joe is coming over and we’re going to the zoo, which will be really good. I can’t wait! I wish I could spell can-ay cause that would have sounded better, I CAN-AY WAIT!

You know what’s really bugging me at the moment? How my friends are all so appearance obsessed. Like if I know someone who they think is ugly and they give me a hard time about it? So what, you think they’re ugly is not their defining characteristic, they happen to be lovely caring people so what does it matter if they’re ugly! I’m getting a bit sick of the ‘are they stretch marks’ whenever I am getting changed or something, yes I am no slim Jim, and we all know that! Get over it, you pointing them out doesn’t make me feel any better about them, and the only thing I can do is try and get thinner, which is what I am doing now with swimming and dieting! Oh my good god I just didn’t realise my friends of all people were the people I had to try and be pretty for.

Urgh.

Bye.

ps: can you tell i am not dealing with my depression too well at the moment? cause everyone else seems to be able to. Fuckwits.

2008-03-02T14:09:00.001-08:00

Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
Ooh, Oooh..

I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
But I know you won't be there

OOh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.

Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide, cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this
Oooh, Yeah..

Would you tell me I was wrong?
[Hurt lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back

OOh, I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, Oooh..

If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much
That I've missed you since
You've been away.
Oooh, It's dangerous
so out of line...
to try and turn back time...

I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..

By hurting you...

Never walk alone

2008-02-28T05:43:00.000-08:00

Hey,

yes i know i know, many days no update but in my defense some people are a lot worse! Mentioning no names....

Anyway, i'm just waiting to start work at 2pm, and i've been to the train station to buy my train ticket to sara's so i can just hop on after work with no fuss, i am so excited about it! I saw these two old people sat on a bench that reminded me of me and sara, one was slightly chunkier. one was thin. Both about 70 i reckon, talking about men. I hope it will be me and sara in 50 years. What am i talking about? i know it will be me and Sara :p

Anyway, what else is new? Oh i've started swimming, i love it, it's well good. I'm going this afternoon after work and before packing/tidying comenses. Uni is going ok i guess. Tiring, and i very rarely make it to lectures these days it seems.

I've started liking people again, like boys. and it's making me quite uneasy. escpecially as both of them are very off the market, and i've only really properly started talking to them both recently. One of them has a girlfriend and the other would just be VERY complicated and add insult to injury as far as an old friend was concerned.

Also i had a very odd dream, it involved cycle trousers, linzie having a birthday party on sunnyside park, kwik save and me being a pharmasist. I'll leave it at that i think.

Also everyone needs to start listening to smile music soul, they're a very VERY good, semi emo band. And aslo, sublime, for some regae regae, like the sauce. Ah it's ace!

Anyway. now i've updated i except certain people to comment, ahemjoeahem.

Bye bye x

The day i fell in love

2008-02-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

yesterday was just a normal day, and believe me it's necessary i start here. I sat on my glasses, well technically it was this morning. Now they're not broken, but i could use some new ones still 'cause they're a bit of a funny shape now. Hence why i went glasses browsing today, hoping to find a £30 pair of excellent glasses i could purchase when i get paid. But no, they were manky old lady specs, and it is for this reason i strayed into the designer section. BIG mistake.... there they were! £125 of roxy's finest designer glasses. And not just glasses dirty big emo glasses, and i would kill for them right now. They had thick black square frames and pink arms, and i love them. I mean seriously love them. More than i have ever loved anything before ever. I thought i knew love... i was wrong. Now people if we all put our heads together we can start a 'buy katie desinger glasses she doesn't desperatly need because she can't wait until loan day' charity. I mean come on! how hard can it be to buy a poor person new glasses :D You know you want to people! deep in your hearts you know it!

Anyway, I expect my cheque in the post within a week.

Katie xx

And wild-rose branches take their finest scent From those blest hours of infantine content.

2008-02-15T02:55:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone (moan, ow)

I am a little rough around the edges today. What with it being Alan's birthday and Valentines day we decided the only logical way to celebrate was a thursday night planet night, good idea? Yes in theory. Until it's 4am you're lying on your floor with alcoholo shakes and you have to get up for work at 9. Anywho that aside, i'll explain what happened.

So Faye met me after work, we went home, got reay and went to meet Matt (Faye's boyfriend) in the Giffard. We went to the SU in the end cause this guy was proper weird and drunk and was talking t us about gates. Anywho, we had a couple and went home again to get ready. Picked up Mel and Sam and went to the planet.

Wonderful night, as always! i drank, i danced alot. Mel's never done drugs or out, so she got a little bit squiffy sniffing poppers which was pretty funny. I mean they're such children's drugs it's untrue. You're happy for about 30 seconds and then you're just back to normal. They don't help hangover's though, and they don't help if you spill them in your razor cut on your finger which fucking kills! Anyway, now you know about my 12 year old exploits i'll move on.

We got in about 2.30, Faye fell asleep and i tried to but i kept shivering like i was having a fit or something. It was pretty bad. I eventually noddedd off about 4 which was ok, i'd still get 4 hours kip in before work, in theory. but no, no no no, fuckinbg fire alarm at 6am led to me having about 2 and a half hours sleep. But i made it to work, i havn't eaten anything yet, just keep drinking juice and water in some vain hope that it clears my stomach ache. Then tonight marks the start of the 3 day weekend! of booze and badness! it shall be grand.

Also there is house news. We sign the contracts on thursday, which is good. So on thursday we have our house, it will be grand, very very very cool. Next week me and kel and mel are going for a drink with new housemate Edd to show him living with 3 girls can't be all that bad! Well, i'm quite bad but that's not PMS that's just mentalness :p It'll be good. i'm so looking forward to it! no fire alarms, i dishwasher, sky tv, the works. I can't wait. And i get a double bed! i know! how amazing is that!

Anyway, i better do some acctual work and drink some more juice.

Ta'ra

xx

Tick Tock Body Clock

2008-02-13T07:08:00.000-08:00

My body clock is horrendous. I want it to be normal again, but it aint happened. I convince myself I’ll be in bed and asleep before midnight but I’m not, I just lie there staring at the ceiling and being bored so I put a DVD on and before I know it, it’s 4am again. This wasn’t helped by the fire drill last night, I was half asleep by 3am I thought it was an achievement, then ‘whirrrrrr whirrrrrrrrr whirrrrrrrrr whirrrrrrrrrrr’ great. By then I was most defiantly awake. It was cold outside too. So I overslept, yes I know, predictable. I’m getting kind of sick of this now, I try my best to sleep, but it just doesn’t happen. Also Christine if you’re reading this I am very sorry I wasn’t there this morning. I don’t know why it happens or anything, and it’s not like I don’t want to sleep. I think tonight, after I’ve sorted my bedroom out so Faye doesn’t get eaten by squalor I will take some night nurse and some hot chocolate and attempt to sleep. I’m not so sure it’ll happen but it’s worth a try. I need sleep damn it!

Also this weekend is going to be awesome. I have the planet with Faye tomorrow night, And Mel and Sam if they’re out, and we may bump into Kel Matt and Alan cause they’re out for his birthday. Also, this weekend I’m going to Alan’s party, which awt to be good.

Oh by the way, we’ve made a decision on the house; we want it. We’ve texted potential landlord but he’s not replied yet, so we’re going to ring him tonight I think. It’ll be good, and such a coincidence Edd is the guy who wants to stop on. But it will be good. It’s a nice house, there’s no bedroom arguments and it’s all good. Mel gets the giant room cause she has Sam. I get the middle sized room upstairs. Edd gets his little room still and Kelly gets the downstairs room. It’s all good. Our house is awesome.

Ok now I’ve finished rambling about how cool our house is and how shite my body clock is, I shall go and do some work.

Katie x

ps: the foolish people who organise the bon jovi concert have failed to notcie we can see right into the football ground very clear from the top of our halls building and the top of our art and film building. Free bon jovi concert anyone?

How do you ask someone to be the last man to die for your mistakes?

2008-02-12T07:22:00.000-08:00

Hey,

Ok my blog was starting to make my eyes hurt, so i've changed it to something i bit more simple and hope people didn't suffer head injuries as a result.

Ok so what's going on then: Well tonight we're going looking at our house again, and hopefuly coming to an arrangement on the contracts. If Kelly decides she wants in, and out of Matt and Alan's.

Thursday i am going to the planet with Faye and then this weekend it's a 2 day long party for Alan's 32nd birthday. Looking forward to that.

I'm sorry i've not been blogging much, i'm just not in the mood. I'm not in the mood for much these days, since i came off my meds i've been a bit of a stressy bear. I don't know what to do about that, oh well.

hope you're all ok.

Katie x

The said blog-eth and blog-eth i shall

2008-02-11T16:39:00.000-08:00

Hey,

Ok this is gonna be a short one as i am tired and i have a lecture at nine.

So today i rescued someone from a lift, it wasn't as james bond as it sounds. We just had to wind it down to the ground floor and prize the doors open. It was interesting but i stil had to go back to work after being the knightess in shining armour.

Er that's it i think. me and mel just ran into our potential future landlord in asda in our pj's during a fire drill. It was fun.

xx

Stupid Fucking Amazon

2008-02-04T02:28:00.000-08:00

grrr, while browsing some books for my course i accidently clicked the one click place order button charging some ridiculous amount to my mum's card, anyway, she's had to take it from my greece money because i can't find away to cancel it, i've now managed to turn the one click order function off thank god, that could get dangerous.

So since i made the ~~stupid~~ decision to go cold turkey med wise i have become more active, i don't know why. I clean more, which can only be good considering my shit tip of a bedroom, i cook more too. I've made so many things from scratch i am quite proud of myself. I mean, i can cook well but while i was on the sertraline i was too lazy to do it, i just wanted to sleep all the time. Now i have made all sorts of wonderful dishes, and the diet has improved the stomach aches i kept having because i am acctually getting vitamins now. I made a lovely chicken and corgette pasta sauce the other day. I've made sweet and sour pork, Paella, rizzotto, more pasta, and me and nick made lots of stew on saturday night. I also discovered that my wardrobe resembles that of a 70's hippy, i don't own many items of clothing that aren't made from wool or covered in flowers :s, I like it anyway :) Don't get me wrong, being off the meds is stupid and i'm not better, but it's nice to feel more like me, and if they're not working then atleast i get this from not being on them, if that makes sense? but if i start behaving like a loon again and returning to stupid things i promise i'll do back on them. I'm starting to accept this is just part of who i am, is that giving up? i don't know anymore

I have so many dvd's now, that i have bought and not watched, it's bizzarre, these include (to name but a few)

True Romance
The Science of Sleep
The Black Dahlia
Plup Fiction (i know i NEED to watch that one)
and Almost Famous

I need to work through them but i have so much more reading to do this term, not only the key texts for my lit module but all the political rubbish they keep giving us to read for vietnam in america, it's quite heavy content wise, a lot of fact and information i don't fully understand. Oh well, that's why i took the module though, to find out more. Nothing intrigues me more than war, i know that sounds bad, but it is one of my main topics of interest at the moment, it just draws me in so much. I can't get enough information on it.

Anyway, so here are some of the very very few photos (if you want more check my facebook) from thursday night out... enjoy:

i don't know how else to put this, it's taken me so long to do this

2008-02-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how everyone, absolutely everyone, who promises they'll always be there for you backs out. No one is there for you in the end, we all die cold and alone, why should living be any different?

Sinking into sweet uncertainty

2008-02-01T02:48:00.000-08:00

Hey guys!

Anywho last night we went to the planet, always a laugh. Me Mel Kel Kel (that’s not a typo there were two kel’s) Sam and Liam went to the planet and consumed way too much alcohol and took too many drunken photos, all of which will appear here when I get home from work and upload them :p. I think the funniest part was Sam attempting to Dance and falling down the steps behind him, then trying to look cool by pretending it never happened. That or him walking home in Mel’s skirt, and Mel in his jeans, which actually proper suited her. We started in the Royal London, as always, what with it being most of our local’s here and took the Mick out of the music videos they decided to play. Then onto the planet where much fun was had. I was well behaved and only stuck to one kind of alcohol (even if in large quantities), archers, which is odd for me, considering I don’t ever drink archers except when I’m at the planet Oh except the rats guts (cherry sours n chocolate corky’s ) shot that Liam made me drink :p We had a rather good time jumping around to Killing in the name of, and Sweetness (I had forgotten completely how much I adore this song), and all the other lovely Emo Screamo, Metal and just plain weird music that they played, which includes that ever vague genre, “Post-Harcore”. Oh and naturally I jumped like an idiot to this and this. It was a very fun night and I will be showing you all the photos when I get home, if I don’t fall asleep before my remedial retard grammar class. I also learnt new slang, but i'm not posting it here because it could be quite offensive.

Anyway, I’m not hung over anymore, when I woke up I felt like crap, but that’s probably because I had 3 hours sleep before coming to work, I know irresponsible but it’s not like I operate heavy machinery is it? Also I drank about several million pints of water before bed, and ate the curry left over from tea. Which is also good.

I need to book my theatre tickets to ‘The picture of dorian grey’ Because I don’t want to miss it, and also I think Les Mis is playing at the other theatre which I want to see too. It’ll be good. I’m working on making my sister come with me to see Sweeny Todd next week when I go home, even though she’s already seen it, because no one else will come with me and it makes me sad : (

I like blogging at work it makes me look like I’m doing something, and while I’m on the topic of work FUCKING PHOTOCOPIER/PRINTER! It’s the worlds worst machine. If anyone has a (one sec, need to look) Konica Minolta bizhub C253 can they tell me where I need to kick it to make it so when I’ve removed the misfeed it actually works again please? It beeps for no reason as well! I sense me and this photocopier having a bad relationship. I miss old Trusty : (

I’m hungry, so I am gonna make my pop tarts and another cup of tea. I love my job.

Hope this update was sufficient : ) Just wait until the photo blog! :p

Katie xx

ps: Also i have heavily neglected my art blog, i havn;t updated since april, that's not cause i've not been drawing it's mainly cause i'm lazy and stuff, but i'm gonna try and get an update going when i get home from work, watch this space :D

For evil to triumph all that is necessary is for good men to do nothing

2008-01-28T05:07:00.000-08:00

Hey,

This is going to be a long one, so brace yourselves. (2 whole pages on word, apparently :p)

OK so it’s been a bit of a busy time for me this last week or so. I shall start last weekend. I got ill, as my last blog states, but it was just the start of a very bad week for me. I went home because I was so ill, which considering how contagious the noro virus is was probably a bit of a stupid idea in retrospect, but I didn’t give it to anyone which is always nice. Well to cut a long story short I ended up with this blasted thing for nearly a week and as a result of being so violently ill I had bruised the inside of my stomach. My sickness and internal bruising was topped off when the only thing I could drink, milk, fell off my table onto my computer and now it won’t work off the battery I don’t think. Oh well, it still works at least which is more than good.

Anyway, my hideous week a side I went to London on Friday. It was so so so so so so so good. A quick summary before we delve deeper: We went to the natural history museum, the science museum, the national gallery (Van Gough’s sun flowers are not that nice close up, he has so much nicer paintings), the British museum, the imperial war museum, the Tate modern, walked to see the globe theatre and parliament, but we couldn’t take tours of parliament because it doesn’t do them in the winter. My two personal highlights were seeing phantom of the opera live (and then Joe buying me the DVD and OST) and when me and Joe were in the Natural History Museum he randomly exclaimed rather loudly while stood next to the turtle exhibit: “Quicker Marge! The snapping turtle’s are massing!”

My experience of the underground was well, I didn’t like it, but it was convenient. There’s something not good about being so far underground. And you feel like you’re moving a lot faster than you actually are, but they do seem to be the best way for a poor person to get around London. It was £5.30 for a day ticket for zone’s one and two and me and Joe never left zone one so that was all done and easy to cope with. Considering a single ticket is about £4 and Joe and me were getting at least 4 trains a day we were saving a lot of money. The underground in rush hour, is well, not nice, not nice at all in fact. If you get on a train, you are like a sardine, all hopes of a seat need to go out the window before you even enter a station, and the claustrophobia and dull air and heat and everything just pile on you, it’s horrible, absolutely horrible. In the quieter times it’s not bad though, not bad at all, If I didn’t think about the tin of sardines shooting under the capital city it was bearable, I’m not going to complain though, it was a matter of transport that served us well.

The hotel was nice for what we paid for it. We paid £35 each for a twin room with an en suite for 2 nights, which was, lets be honest, peanuts. We had bunk beds, and a nice little bathroom. It was very liveable in and it only had two disadvantages, it was a bit small and on the 6th floor. It looked out onto a nice little garden square and was right next door to Paddington underground station. So it was difficult to get around. It was a bit of a quicker considering that just around the corner was the Hilton, but I liked where we stayed. A double bed (yes, I know we’re not going out or married, but friend’s share beds these days :p) would have been easier for watching the marathon of season one house that we watched on Saturday night, but the bunk beds were fun while they lasted. Even if Joe insisted I have the top bunk, and then when he discovered the bottom bunk had a worse mattress made me have the bottom. Moose. The location was perfect, we couldn’t really complain or asked for a better one. We were away from the hustle and bustle and prices of very central London, but close enough to easily access everything. It was a bit bad though that 2 seconds away was a KFC, Burger King, McDonalds and Subway. So we ate and unbelievable amount of burgers. Joe made me try a burger king whopper, but I couldn’t eat it, it was way too big.

The highlight of highlights for me was defiantly Joe taking me to see Phantom of the Opera. I’ve never seen it all the way through before but I love it, I mean seriously love it. Joe also bought me a box set of the DVD version and the OST. Which I am seriously in love with and now it’s all on my iPod. The guy who played Raoul was a bit of a ‘smoking hotty’ not to mention a talented singer, as were they all. It was an unbelievable experience and I would go and see it again and again. It was the best part of the trip for me, by a long long way. Another of my highlights was the Tate Modern, some bits of it I didn’t understand, and me an Joe walked straight out of the surrealism room because it was just plain weird, I love modern art but something were just like art for the sake of art. There was an exhibit of mattresses with maps printed on them, and a plaque stating that the artist used themes of mattresses and maps in his work, which I would never have guessed. I do love art though and all modern art so it was a great place to go, and I did enjoy it a lot. I hope to go back there, maybe when I make Nick take me to the Natural History Museum, I know he’d love that museum even if he hated the Tate Modern.

The Natural History Museum was very very fun. You can tell it’s going to be from the second it comes into sight because it is a stunning building. When you walk in the doors and have had your bag searched you see a cast of a dinosaur in the lobby, I forget what type, and like most people, then instantly run to the dinosaur exhibit. They have lots of casts and some actual fossils and skeletons of dinosaurs. I loved it. They had a T Rex Model as well which was very impressive. There was also lots of Plesiosaur fossils from England, which impressed me a lot. They were so fascinating. There were lots of things that impressed me about that museum. The Imperial War Museum was as always, a treat. There was a holocaust exhibition that nearly made me cry though. And everywhere else was very very fun too. I especially loved the dinner at pizza express that Joe and me had on the Thames, and being sat in Trafalgar Square after visiting a HMV that’s open until midnight! (very very dangerous!) It was just such a lovely time I don’t think I can say how much fun I had.

Now I am at work. Uni start’s for proper again this week, so things are going to get busier. I have lectures tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday, and hopefully I will adjust to taking an English and history module this semester, which will be a new exciting challenge for me :p

I am gonna go now, I have my lunch break from 2-4 and I’m going making a lovely salad for my dinner because the one that I have in Pizza Express has inspired me to have a lovely salad :p Tuna or Chicken? You tell me. :D

Katie xx

PS: I’m still in mourning over Heath :(
PPS: Joe.... HORSE!!!!!!!!

Noro-virus

2008-01-22T07:35:00.000-08:00

So i havn't blogged in a while. in my defense it's because i've been 'exploding' for want of a better term, for the last couple of days. I have this bloody noro-viurs thing. And i feel like i have the plague.

That said, i'll blog when i'm better. i'm going watching more films now.

xx

I am a monument to all your sins

2008-01-14T08:18:00.001-08:00

Never go to HMV. I mean, Seriously…. Never.

My iPod headphones have bitten the dust! I know, I cried as well! RIP Babies! So I went to HMV to buy some new ones, and have a crafty browse in my lunch hour. So I went and after spending a while trying to figure out why the orange gummy headphones were £3 cheaper than the pink ones I went for a bit of a browse. I came out with, my headphone, Garth Marhengi’s Dark Place and the Virgin Suicides. Which came to about £20 with my student discount. But still! I want headphones damn it! And it’s not like I can watch any of them cause Nick’s coming over, not that that’s a bad thing Nick, I just like watching DVD’s all the time :p

Anyway moving on. I got my Xbox this weekend; the one Joe’s giving me. Not a 360 just the old one, and it’s a little rough around the edges but it was free and I love it, I’ve named it Fluffy. I spent a considerable amount of time playing Halo 2 on it last night when I should have been sleeping, which is probably why I was fifteen minutes late for work. I can see Fluffy being detrimental to my academic health… not to mention my work health :p

We have a new photocopier it at work. Apparently it can do everything, or so the sale man said when he came to install it. But it’s given me no end of jip. Where I work we monitor the student’s printing so when they send something to print it all queues up on what was formerly out ‘command workstation’ on this here PC. This was so we could interrupt printing to do society photocopying and let our graphic designer have free reign of it, also not lose control with the students paying for their copying. But this new fangled thing has removed the command workstation as it has a built in hard drive, so now I just prints when it feels like it. Also if there’s a tiny spec of dust on the glass it won’t copy until you’ve cleaned it. It doesn’t delete the jobs once it’s done them, just leaves them on there to confuse you. The advantage of this new photocopier? It prints colour. But we can’t offer a colour printing service to the students or our graphic designer because some software from the old fiery printer is blocking any colour transmissions being send. I apologise for that rant. The new printer irks me, can you tell? It also beeps for no apparent reason.

So what’s coming up for me then? Well this week I am working, sleeping around work and attempting to complete Halo 2. On Saturday we’re going to the planet, my god I love that place, and hopefully my new camera battery should have arrived so I can take lots of photo’s and whack em up here and you can all laugh at our drunkenness. And the weekend after I’m going sight seeing in London with Joe. It’ll be grand. Anyone got anything they think we should see?

OK I’m gonna go, I hope this update was sufficient :p

See you xx

ps: i also edited my calendar. x

I'm not saying it's your fault althought you could have done more.

2008-01-09T07:10:00.000-08:00

OK ok i know, blog more. But i've been REALLY busy in my defense. Mainly watching too many DVD's but that's irrelevant :p

I've just finished my essay, got another due for friday that i will start in a sec, maybe.

How're you all? I hope you're all well. I'm good, i just bought some new nail varnish so i am properly stoked, i also bought some amazing trousers that apparently make me look like a hippy but never mind.

I am gonna get a drink, my throat hurts. Ta'ra x

One Discovers... When it's too late, that the only thing one never regrets is ones mistakes.

2008-01-01T12:08:00.000-08:00

Last new year ('07) i wrote this:

"Now what do i want to happen in '07? hmmm I'd like a boy? And to become good with money, and to stop being all crazy. I want to write some mail to the tampax company. I want to take responsibility for my life and my actions. I want to learn not to regret things. I want to carry on listening to metal music and watching german films. But most of all, the thing i want more than anything in the world, is to make the people who mean so much to me know that no matter where i am, which bed i'm in, which train i'm on, which person i am with, i'll always be there. Because i feel that in 2006 i didn't do my very very best to make people know how much they meant to me, and i made some big mistakes, and i hurt people.

I wish you all a very happy, fun, crazy, and very very optimistic 2007

Oh i also intend to blog more frequently, and maybe do some work.But you know, that's never going to happen.

'Be young, Be foolish, But be happy' "

Now, I should probably read it before i continue and make my point... hold on a tick. right.

Ok so i didn't write to the tampax company, i'm still single and i failed on all other counts: I'm still crazy, i didn't blog more frequently or do any work. I carried on not letting people know they meant something to me. Wow, productive.

Gotta love a productive positive new year :p

Made 08 a good one folks, have a very happy new year. (i'm not saying positive cause it obviously didn't work for me :p)

It's getting harder and harder to breathe.

2007-12-30T17:37:00.001-08:00

I'm in a bad place. I feel like i'm drowning and i can't do it anymore. I need help, but where do i go? I'm exhausting all avenues just to keep my head above water. Maybe i should just let go.

i carry your heart with me

2007-12-29T05:47:00.001-08:00

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

Dear Santa

2007-12-25T06:02:00.000-08:00

Thank you so much for the incredible gift of this hangover, i really apprichiate it, but i kind of saw it coming, but you definatly excelled yourself with the vomiting session.

Also, Thank you for my video camera, and my other presents. and the giant turkey we're going to eat soon, and my brother, for being the coolest little brother in the world.

Love Katie x

PS: Merry Christmas everyone, best wishes to you and yours.

busy busy busy bee

2007-12-21T15:45:00.001-08:00

ten days no post, i know bad katie!

So what have i been up to....

Well i came home last friday, all my planet plans went down the toilet because i just wanted to come home a lot, so that was that.

Since i have been home i have been re-employed by the spar, which is all well and good, but someone of my size 16 figure with my 38E boobs does not look good in a black pants, a polo shirt and a green sweatshirt. So the only bit of me that i can try and make look good is my face, which is not happening, and my hair is in it's usual state... as usual.... a bit of a fucking mess. Why does it never do what i want it to do? :(

Sooo what are my xmas plans... well tomorrow i am working 1-7 then going to Millers to see her before xmas, then i am working sunday 11-3 getting picked up and staying at Nicks. Then getting dropped off at work on xmas eve, (the monday for those who aren't following too well)from 1-5 then going home, putting a face on, going getting wankered.. then it's christmas, then on boxing day i am working 2-9 then on thursday i have a day off, and i'm going to Kim's, maybe, then i am working friday and going to Joe's and saturday i'm working and on monday i am going to Sara's for new year and returning on the 2nd of January due to sodding work, kept up?... So you'll have to forgive me if my blogs are a bit sparse. Man i hate christmas.

I'm missing the Uni folk, Mel and Kelly and everyone, and my uni way of life, because i do love my way of life there, but my own bed is very good :D

So yesterday i made the big mistake of going to Burnley christmas shopping with the midget (brother) and Nick. It was FUCKING BUSY! it was dreadful. but now it's all done with... hurrah!

And that's that.

Have a good xmas everyone. i'll try and blog again before then but i can't make any promises, mainly because i'm so fricking lazy :p

Katie xx

I'm drinking myself to sleep again, Nightnurse pills to keep me sane

2007-12-11T04:08:00.000-08:00

Recently I’ve not been sleeping very well. I mean, it might be because of a change of my medication but that should be stabilising out now, ‘cause I’ve been on it for a while. I thought it could be because I was using my computer or watching 10 things I hate about you repeatedly before bed. So I stopped doing that. Then I thought it could be the fact I sleep with the light on, but I’m stupidly scared of the dark so I decided not to give that one a try. All in all I had about 4 hours sleep last night, and spent about 3 tossing and turning trying to sleep before that. So I have decided to keep a personal sleep diary to see if and how things are improving, ‘cause I do desperately need some sleep.

I am at work at the moment and I have an exam at 2, I’m not looking forward to it. Last night I though I knew my stuff but now I am not so sure, I am nervous and really need a coffee.

So what for the rest of the week…. Well, I have a lecture tomorrow morning where I will get my essay back; I hope I did ok on it I did try hard. And I have to give a group presentation tomorrow afternoon that I am dreading more than this exam, especially because we’ve not rehearsed.

On Thursday I am not getting out of bed until 2.30 and that’s because I have work for an hour from 3-4, then I coming home and going straight back to bed because I figure that’ll be adequate time to catch up and a good way to celebrate that I have done with my assignments! Hurrah!

On Friday I am at work from 1-7 so I won’t be getting up until 1.30 I reckon :p and then I am just generally chilling out.

On Saturday Rhodesy is coming down, so I will be meeting him and getting dolled up for our Christmas night out at the joy of joys, the planet. Which shall be fun, and then very hung overly getting a coach home on Sunday morning and being picked up by my sister.

Oh yeah, well I’m sure everyone wants details about what happened on Thursday don’t they? So Joe came over, to go to Mel’s planet night out, it was a very very good night. I don’t remember seeing Joe except on 2 occasions, one where he took my keys, and the other when he paid me in. I spent most of the night with a guy called Matt and for some reason ended up and his and Kelly’s house in the bed that we’d broke doing the filming mentioned in a previous post. I was VERY drunk and I danced like a prat. Anyway I rolled home at about midday on Friday to find that Joe and Mel weren’t in my room where I thought they were and half the reason I’d gone back to Matt n Kelly’s and a security guard had in fact let them into Mel’s room as she’d left her keys in Kelly’s bag. Mentalist. It was a good night though. Two photo’s have surfaced, both of me, Mel and our Flat mate charlotte who we bumped into, but both of them are way to embarrassing to publish here!

Oh and I decorated the kitchen with paper chains I made from left over wrapping paper :D

So anyway, I hope this is a sufficient update. I should go now, and do some work.

I can’t wait to go home, and don’t want Mel to go home cause I’ll be all lonely.

Love Katie x

PS: No Joe my blog does not look like a bruiser bar.

Times are changin'

2007-12-09T15:35:00.000-08:00

Next year i'll be 20, I've been writing this thing for 3 years now and they were 3 of the most crutical years of my life, the 3 years where i grew up a bit more. The 3 years that were most dominanted by boys and drink and music and everything. So next august (a long way off i know) when i'll have been around for 2 whole decades i want to be able to say you know, i am a young woman and i am achieving everything i want to achieve.

So i started with a new look to my blog, I think it's good, don't you?

x

It's gonna be a long way to happy

2007-12-08T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hey guys,

Sorry i am getting really lame at this blogging lark now, but on the plus side now i've kept it up for 3 years which is longer and more consistant than any of my friends who started out when i did so i feel i can be a bit crap from time to time.

Well thursday night was definatly an interested one, i won't bore or gore you with the details, but it was interesting.

err what now, i have so much work to do it's not even funny.

I don't really have anything esle to say, don't lose interest, i'll be back on form soon i promise!

This is why students should not be allowed their own houses

2007-11-29T11:15:00.001-08:00

.... So, last night we filmed kelly's project.

The end :p

It's funny how it tears me apat.

2007-11-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

(Don't quote me on this)

I woke up this morning, and i felt different. I realised i can stop holding on to everything at home because it is falling apart despite my best efforts. I realised that some people are gone out of my life, and i didn't care. I came to the conclusion that this is MY life and i could live it the way i wanted, and this is how i want to live it. I don't want to be anywhere other than right here at this moment in time.

Yeah i miss the past and the ones that have gone. But i mean, if i dwell on it it's just going to stunt my progression in overcoming this depression. And i've been depressed for too long now. It's getting old, and boring and horrid but all we can do is try.

I realised this morning that i have to try.

If i had a million dollars I'd buy you a green dress (but not a real green dress that's cruel)

2007-11-20T02:53:00.000-08:00

So I am at work. I think this is the first time I’ve found myself bloging this early, when I say early I meant 10.17am.

Where to start,

Well first, apologies. I know I have been rubbish and not bloged in like forever and I’m sorry but you know, I have a busy life and as much I like bloging and keeping you all informed it gets a bit difficult sometimes when life gets a little more hectic. Now I am done defending myself I’ll move on.

So I went to stay in Lincoln this weekend just gone, I went over to see my aunty Laura and Joe. I had a good time. Lincoln is such a pretty place, and has such nice bars. And their accommodation puts mine to horrid horrid shame. But I love where I live so I don’t care so much. I met some of Joe’s friends, and some of Laura’s friends and god quite merry, watched a hell of a lot of scrubs and futurama and black books (and said the word and way too much) and wondered around to the cathedral and castle, both of which are stunning. I came to the conclusion when I am rich that I will buy a castle and live in it forever. I also decided that Dylan Moran is wrong, The most I can achieve if I put use all of my potential is eating more flavoured snacks than just cheese, hence he is wrong. Ooo and something interesting happened:

Me and Joe went out into Lincoln with a couple of guys from Joe’s course (this was after we went to a bar with my drunk aunty and friends) and a small group of us tailed off into this club called sugar cubes. We met this guy there called DanP and he was so drunk it was untrue, we were going to carry him back to court 2 (where he lived) with the two other guys we were with but by the time we’d got to Joe’s he’d passed out twice and we decided it was best to let him sleep in Joe’s living room, this wasn’t a problem because he knew 2 of the girl who lived in Joe’s flat anyway. Any who Joe and I went to bed, we were top and tailing and very drunk so just passed out in some vaguely bed like area. I thought I could see someone stood next to the bed a few hours later but decided it was in my head, the person I thought I could see next to the bed proceeded to jump into the bed and onto me waking me up completely. It turned out to be DanP who had in fact slept walked from the living room into Joe’s room and jumped on us. After about ten minutes of kicking Joe in the head telling him something wasn’t right he woke up and helped me carry DanP back to the living room. Then we went back to bed locking the door. That was one WEIRD night!

Ok that was that. Now onto other things. Me and Joe were coming back to Wolverhampton on Sunday night (Joe wanted to get his glasses and some cheap shopping from my ASDA) and it was snowing really really badly, so badly that there were train delays and we got stuck in Birmingham! It was lovely, we went for pizza and burgers in the snow and trudged home, turns out Joe had to go home this morning because the weather was still bad yesterday morning.

I joined a Society yesterday; I am now a member of the Students Union marketing society. Which is pretty much just to do with promoting the union and getting more people through the door, Which should be fun. It’s a very small society but I get paid in Unio’s for every 200 people that come through the door and it looks like it’s quite good fun so I am not going to complain.

I’ve been having a bit of a worse time of lately. My medication makes my mood seem to switch between ‘no bodies going to keep me and down’ and ‘I’m going to kill everything’ in a very short time space, and on that subject I think it’s time I noted that I don’t think it’s fair that I keep making time for people who have no time for me. I go out of my way to be there for certain people and why should I when they can’t do the same for me? Or even consider doing the same? I’m fed up of it, it’s a waste of my time and effort and care for people who couldn’t care less if I live or died just so long as they had talked about their pointless, trivial, petty problems to death. I’ve had enough and I want it stamped into their faces how it’s their fault I’m not around anymore, not mine, and how selfish and self centred they really are and that what I am doing is looking out for myself for once because I can’t handle anymore of being people’s shoulder to cry on and not having anywhere to go when I need someone. I need a break to, you know? So you know, that’s that on that front.

I have a lecture after work, and just enough money to buy a sausage roll before then. And then it’s home home home for chunky chicken and chips and possibly finishing off my flapjacks, and defiantly having another mega hot chocolate. I have recently discovered hot chocolate. It’s so amazing with marshmallows in it and they go all melted and lovely. Man I cannot wait until payday.

So I suppose I should go and make it look like I’m working.

I hope this update was sufficient :p

Katie x

PS: a million dollrs by the barenaked ladies amuses me.

Linzie

2007-11-11T13:49:00.001-08:00

I was thinking before about my biggest regrets, and one of them that wouldn’t stop nagging at me was Linzie.

I know everything that happened with me and Nick and Linzie was a long time ago, and I know that things end and people move on. But I am only just realising now that not everything can be repaired. I mean, I truly miss Linzie’s presence in my life, she was a good friend and at the time I severely over looked that. I mean now I message her and I expect not to get a reply, she could be busy or something but I always expect it’s because we’re not so close anymore, we had a catch up and I went to her birthday thing this year, but it’s no where near the same as it once was and I know I have myself to blame for that entirely. I don’t really know what I expected to happen and at the time it felt like the right thing to do, but looking back I did lose a lot from it. I mean I hope that Linzie and I can be better friends some day, and I really hope she doesn’t hate me because I will always have time for her, and do now. If she rang me and needed to talk then I’d be there and I always will, partly because of guilt but mostly because I did love her a lot as one of my best friends and I know she has the new life she deserves in Leeds with people much more deserving of her company, but I dunno. Sometimes I just wish I could make everything ok between us and stop fucking it up, but I’m not entirely sure anything I could say could fix what I’d done.

I just hate not having her in my life anymore, you know? She was, just, I dunno, enchanting. In a weird way, I don’t even know if that’s the right word.

I can’t explain it, it’s really difficult to feel and explain. I guess there’s no words for it for a reason, and I’ll accept that for now, one day something might make me understand that reason.

Well anyway, goodnight x

Faded

2007-11-09T19:53:00.000-08:00

It’s three thirty am again, that time of night where I can’t help but find myself awake recently. Awake and thinking. It’s nothing I chose to do, part of me thinks It’s because of having five glasses of wine earlier I couldn’t take my pill, so my brain isn’t sedated enough to stop the constant open fire of thoughts that decide to hammer home at this time every night. Another part of me, the part that believes in something greater than us, thinks I did something really bad in a past life.

I wish someone would look at me and tell me that they could see everything was going to be alright for me. Like they see it in my eyes or something, but the truth is no matter how much I pray that someone will be able to the see it, it’s not there to see. I can’t even blame it on no one looking hard enough to find it. Every night I lie awake thinking, feeling as bad as if it were the first night I was curled up in bed alone, hoping someone somewhere was thinking the same thing and wishing for someone like me to share their loneliness with. When I realised no one was it made hoping kind of pointless, don’t you think?

Its funny when people find out I’m on anti depressants they always say looking at me they’d never tell and I always find myself questioning it. How exactly do you wear depression? Should I wear a t shirt telling everyone how I am awake until at least five am every morning, How when I do actually sleep I have dreams of hurting myself or how when I am awake all I can do is pretend I am not this way. I don’t think anything I could do would make it more obvious that I am sick than hiding it. I know it won’t make much sense to anyone but that’s how it is.

I often wonder what the point is in writing these things or saying these words because at the end of the day what’s the point in screaming if no one is listening?

So I am here, at three thirty am, wondering about how the world is in the way, questioning what there is left. What do you think you’d say? I don’t think it matters anyway, because I doubt I’d listen. You can take me and throw me away.

When moments begin to be real, then I’ll start to feel. Then I’ll continue to fade.

It's easy to see how the devil himself can be pulled out of me

2007-11-04T14:09:00.001-08:00

Hey,

I love my life, I mean really. I mean it's like, I have bad days and i'm definatly still depressed but i don't seem to let it get me down so much, it's like i'm acctually living a life i love, for example, tonight.

Me Nick Rhodesy and Oli and Jess went to marl pits fire work display, whihc was amazing in itself, but on the way back we did a light saber drive by on claire and richard, with country music balring and 2 light sabers stuck out the side of nick's white corsa, which had all 5 of us squashed in it.

I love my life, and i especially love my friends. I won't find better, and i'd never want to. x

ps: i've redyed my hair back to being brown with purple slices, got rid of the pink.

I'm slipping in between you and your big dreams

2007-11-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

Hello,

Sorry i've not really been blogging properly, i've had a rather busy week is all.

Ok so here's what i've been up to.

Monday. I went to a lecture, and then work, then went home and got taken to Kelly, Matt and Alan's house where we did nothing for several hours except laugh lots.

Tuesday. I went to work, uni and amatuer wrestling, then to the royal london for £ a pint. It was goooood.

Wednesday. I went to one of my two lectures, then i went and met Joe at the train station. We went out for tea and a piss up in a club called pop word, it was so cheesy and amazing, i loved it.

Thursday. Me and Joe mooches around watching scrubs and very late last night we went to the cinema to see black sheep. fucking weird is all i can say.

Today. I took joe to the station, after we went for chicken, and now i am at work.

Ok onto more important things.

IF YOU ARE A BOY STOP READING NOW, YOU'LL THANK ME LATER

OK, i know it's weird posting this on my blog and everything, but it may help, i don't know. Classy. I am worried about myself in a girly manner, I have not been "on" in 7 weeks and i am quite concerned, answers on a postcard please, with the exceptions of the pregnancy one, because that one has been severly considered and over ruled, already. Thanks girls.

OK GUYS YOU CAN COME BACK NOW

See you, Katie x

Some men just want to watch the world burn

2007-10-25T11:53:00.000-07:00

Hey hey,

So yesterday when we were in boots (where i discovered the best shower gel ever! foam burst! i will never need shaving foam, for my legs of course, again :p) i came to the conclusion that being a girl (well a reasonably groomed girl) costs a fair amount, so i decided i would tot up how much a month (ish) it costs to be me.

Pantene Pro V colour care shampoo - £2.47
Pantene Pro V colour care conditioner - £2.47
Foam Burst Mango - 2 for £3
Cottons Tampons 16 - £1.69
Which Stick - £2.49
Cumcumber Facial Scrub - £3
V05 Miracle Mist - £2.79

That's like 17.50 just not to look like a muppet. that's no counting if you're seeing someone and hence having sex so needed to spend a futher like £10 on doing it safetly, or 6.95 for a perscription.

In other news i got a free platinum card today, i know that might not sound like much but it is at uni. They're the like uber uber VIP cards for students, free entry into teh SU, half price special events, massively discounted alcohol. And anyway, all members of student staff get free ones so i am now armed with my card i can get pissed for less money. Hurrah!

What else is there to say.... oh i dunno.

Night x

Oh yes, everyone will stop getting their heads bitten off now i am re-drugged up.

Alive with the glory of love

2007-10-24T09:58:00.000-07:00

So blogs due in i reckon

Hey hey people,

I'm currently listening to Alive with the glory of love by Say anything and recomend you all download it, it's good. i love it.

So what to say, I just went to asda and bought some rice for my tea, oh it will be good.

Mellisa's gone home so i have no one to talk to now, and it's depressing. i REALLY need to do some work, but i can't be bothered i wanna watch a knight's tale instead.

Ohhh i met someone very nice today, i dunno if it's full crush mode but it's definatly a slight interest. it won't last long, i'm not much a crush person. He's nice.

The End x

Death is gonna catch up with all one day, but yours is coming quicker than ours.

2007-10-17T11:41:00.000-07:00

Hey,

So what to say? why do i always start bloging with no framework in mind. Lets start over.

Hey everyone,

So at the moment i'm listening to the Collision Course (numb/encore being the best track, natch) album by Linkin Park n Jay-Z. It's ace. Even though everone thinks i'm a big gay for listening to Linkin Park but i love them.

I've been reading my big Tarrot book recently. I'm really keen to learn more about it 'cause i do love it. I'm getting ok at predicting the past and what a persons obstacles are, so i hope the future is quite accurate. I need to learn and practise more but i hope i can get better at it, seeing as i adore it so much.

I had two classes today, one being British Cinema and the other being Aspects (of world cinema 2) but i just call it aspects, it's easier. We watched Sabotage in British, it's good. I'm really starting to love hitchcock and his work. The only one i'm not so keen on is Black Mailand that's because it's so damn cheesy. In aspects we watching this african film (moolaade) that Ousmane Sembene made when he like 81 so it's well impressive. It deals with female circumcision (or however it's spelt) and there's this one bit where they kid nap a girl to get her 'cut' and she dies and i had to leave because i felt so sick, it was so moving and horrible and i just, god i can't explain it. The thing about African (specifically senegalese) cinema is that it's so realistic, it's like all the early european cinema we did last year it's so true to real life and just deals with the issues that are surrounding the area at the time. A lot of the early italian stuff that deals with the war is pretty similar, and is so much more moving for it. We watched this film in italian cinema a week or so back called Roma Citta Aperta (rome open city) and that was so moving, i was balling my eyes out. It's like, so destroying to see people so innocent throw themselves onto the mercy of someone else and be rejected, honestly, i need to start calming down in these lectures, i get too emotionally involved.

In other news i really can't wait for greece. I need a holiday so bad, and i intend to be pretty pissed and sun tanned for the whole two weeks. I'm so stoked so i hope it isn't a total dive. Just me jess rhodesy and oli sunning it up for two weeks. Sounds like an amazing break to me.

Ok gonna go jump around my room to Muse.

Katie x

I can't change the world, trying to make a difference makes it worse, it's just an observation i can't ignore... that people should smile more.

2007-10-14T15:16:00.000-07:00

Newton Faulkner - People should smile more. One of my favourite songs at the moment. i do love it so.

So what have i been up to at the moment then? Well i went home for the weekend to witness oliver becoming an old git. it was fun. I talked Sara into coming up too and we had a good weekend (no sara, not boss... good). Just chilled out for a large part of it and then went drinking and watching DVD's and went shopping, it was just really good to see her 'cause i aint seen her since like, april and we used to see each other everyday back in the olden times :p. but she's the next one to be turning twenty, so then i get to call her old and because i am young i will be the last one to be mocked, not having my birthday until august. I never thought i'd like being young but i do now. So HAPPY BEING OLD OLIVER. And on a side note, how the fuck have you survived it to twenty you jammy sodd? i'm sure you should have died atleast twice by now.

Anyway... onto other things. I wore this like stupid dress to go out on satruday and i mean come up. With what i am packing chest wise i should have been able to hold it up but it was IMPOSSIBLE. that dress was pure evil there was no two ways about it. and my feet are still sore. I did have a cracking weekend, all told. I mean it was sodding good, better than sodding good, just pure amazing.

I have a lecture tomorrow and then work. So tomorrow should be fair busy, but i don't mind. I also have to go the finance section of uni and beg for a week extension on my rent, otherwise i don't think screwed quite descibes how screwed i'll be.

On another note has anyone noticed what a dive rawtenstall has become? it's like a awah with drugs and violence and it just doesn't feel safe anymore. does anyone know what i mean? I'm glad to be back, i mean where i live is hardly the ritz but it's no where near as bad as it could be, atelast i can walk around and not be scared of being raped and murdered by a crack addict. I mean drug wise we've all been there at some point, but i mean i think an addiction to it shows a serious lack of character and like seeing as 80% (guestimate) of people where i live up north are on drugs and it's just like, i am scared for my grandparents and old people who are so naive to it. I just want to hug them and wrap them up in cotton wool. I just mean, i know i don't live in teh ghetto or out, but it's bad. I might be alone in thinking that. Oh well.

We'll all continue living this life of sex drugs and rock and roll, and we'll probably all die soon :p

yes i'm still alive

2007-10-09T10:57:00.000-07:00

And no that's not a pearl jam lyric, well it is, but no i didn't get it from pearl jam i am just cleary exclaiming that i'm still alive. I'm still alive but i don't have any internet where i live for 2 weeks because some road works have destroyed the internet in the lovely land of randle lines, so i have to use the internet here in the library, or at work.

So what to say lectures are good, i love them this year. and it's all so new and stuff, it's great. I have great friends, and made an ace new one. HEADS UP CHIRS! (tine) she's lovely. And like funny, we had this random conversation today about curling, you know the olympic sport, where you brush the ice and thee little puck thingy slides after it. well about how bleach is like the steroids of that sport, and then this woman called vanessa was caught out in the recent drug trials and were makig up like magazine entry quotes :p We're sad, you just had to be there.

Work is good too. On a monday from 5-7 i just get to play on the interent, if no one's about that is. So last night i just listening to panic! at the disco on repeat, pissed around on facebook, helped the occasional person and made one or two student cards.

I miss home a lot recently, but i am going home on thursday night which is nice, for oli's 20th, where we intend to get truly wrecked and end up in the rythm dancing like tossers :D

Love you all xx

2007-10-02T14:01:00.000-07:00

Udpate... fergie's video for 'big girls don't cry' bugs me because she drives away at the end leaving peter petrelli in bed. what the fuck is that woman on :p god i'm such a loser.

I won't waste a moment on fear

2007-10-02T13:25:00.000-07:00

(waste a moment - fightstar. Specifically the accoustic version)

So yeah, everytime i am my computer and i recognise i need to blog i imagine these really good blogs and things to write in my blogs and then everyone would rejoice in my excellence and i would become famous... but then i get distracted, so you'll have to make do with the realistic me for now.

So i bet the very very few people who read this will be interested in what i;'ve been up to lately. And well... the truth of it is... i've been watching heroes. Yes i know, sad sad sad katie. Well, watching heroes, wearing my new hat and eating one too many things that you cook with purely boiling water or in the microwave. I had atleast one proper meal at nick's at weekend, which was nice. My stomach feels like it's dying recently, the amount of shit it is going through, just crap food, convienience food. I bought an apple today, and i felt better for it. and i have got some pro biotic yoghurt drinks and some oranges. Hopefully my digestion will buck up a bit.

So uni... my course is getting harder this year. In content and work load, but i still love it. I made a new friend today in italian cinema, and she's in british too. She's called Christine and she's lovely.

I couldn't sleep last night, i dunno why but at 3 in the morning i made a pot snack, tidied my room, wrote sara's letter and read for ages. finially i drifted off and meant to get up at 9 to hoover and do my washing. but i didn't get up until 12.45 ish. I managed to hoover and then i did my washing after my 2 o clock lecture and tea with Christine.

I've just booked my coach home, i am looking forward to it already. It will be fun.

Oo and good news people i have managed to make the shower reach luke warm temperature so i managed to bravely shave my legs and condition my hair, thank god for that little luxuary that is semi warm water.

And also my job is ace.

Love Katie x

We're the new face of failure, prettier and younger but not any better off.

2007-09-23T13:33:00.000-07:00

Hey guys,

So i'm back, at uni that is. And i'm unpacked and everything. not so much settled in, felling the home sickeness quite badly, and not acctually met anyone i live with yet, but i dunno, maybe they're all out of something. But i'm sure i'll meet them, and it's not gonna be the end of the world if i don't make friends, 'cause i have friends here too. And Nick and Dom are only a stone throw away. I don't know why i'm feeling positive, i guess you've just caught me in the right mood.

So yeah... where am i living. I'm living in Randle Lines halls, and it's not much to look at. the Bedroom is nice enough, shelves, desk, chair, loungey chair, drawers, wardrobe, tv table, sink, mirror and light above the mirror. it's not massive but it's liveable in and i like it. When i can be arsed i'll take photos. The kitchen's also ok. I have my own cupboard with a lock on it which is nice. and there's 2 cookers, and a fridge and a freezer. and it looks decent. The bathroom's on the other hand are well, not so nice. Think high school toilets and a cubicle shower. But seeing as i'm only in there to clean myself and go to the toilet i doubt it's a massive problem. I've like religiously taken my keys everywhere with me because i for some reason though the yale lock locked automatically when i shut the door, but it doesn't, and now i can't get out of the frame of mind that i need to lock it when i go out. I can live here, i think that's enough for now.

I have a lecture tomorrow, from 10-1 and then a job interview, which i really really hope i get because it would be perfect for me. and then i'm meeting chris and we're going to see incubus and then returning and then sleeping and then going to a lecture at 2 the next day. lie in's will be nice.

I know it's odd, but i am missing work quite badly :S

I also need to remember to get a wall planner from uni.... i think it's time to write a to do list.

Night x

I'll always live for the nights i can't remember and the friends i'll never forget.

2007-09-22T14:10:00.000-07:00

So yeah, blog time.

Last night we went to the pub. We being Me, Jess, Oli, Kim, Nick, Rhodesy, Dom, Claire , Luke and Jo from work. It was immense. I can't explain what a good time i had. it's like, so ace. i will miss them all loads.

the car's packed now, so tomorrow i get to go move into my halls. Picture will most likely follow.

I'll miss everyone, but it's kinda time to let go. I know i can still have this life, but i need my own life too. People move on, and so should i.

I can't really explain how i feel.

See you later x

All i need to know is that i'm something you'll be missing

2007-09-20T13:52:00.000-07:00

I am about 80% sure i have used that blog title before, but if i can't say for certain i'm sure you won't remember.

Anyway.

Hello,

So yes, i have been more busy than i have in a while, and now i am taking a minute to chill out because to be honest i don't think i have time for another insane mad crying fit. i hate hate hate this time of year. I hate moving and not knowing what into. I hate being a way from all the people i spend my life with, that make it better. I'm tired of never feeling like i can stop for breath because i am so busy just trying to get to the next stage and there are about a million people ready to tell me to get moving if i ever take that break. I am so exhausted, and i think it's hard enough trying to get better let alone in this stupid fucked up environment. I know going back to uni on sunday will cause arguements between me and my parents and i know i will be poor. I want a job but it's easier said than done. I havn't finished my fucking packing, still. I was in the kitchen doing the dishwasher before and i just broke down, i don't want to leave so i don't know why i am. I mean yeah i have lovely friends there and stuff and i'll love it when i'm back but at the moment i can't think straight cause i feel so bad about it and everything and jsut all the shit that's happened this past year and i've come so far to get out of it and now i am willingly plunging myself back into it.

It's a good job my brother exists otherwise my breakdown/nerveous attack/crying fit in the kitchen would have been a lot longer. Nothing brings you back to earth more than a 7 year old asking you why your crying (except for absolut vodka), let alone why your hugging you knees in the kitchen. How do i even begin to explain that? Suck it up. Move on.

I have started wondering if people who talk on the phone on the bus, especially people who talk loudly, make up what they're talking about to make their lives seem more interesting than mine. Mine's just one long journey of misery and several people seem to have decided to jump ship recently. Kim, well, Kim i don't know. We're talking, but what she said still burned. a lot. and it won't ever be the same. And Jess well, Jess is a fucking knob 'ed. I pretend i don't care we're not talking, i mean we're sisters we've always been so different, and part of me wants to appologise but i know i'm not wrong, so i won't appologise. She said to Oli that she won't talk to me again until i appologise. She'll learn to read before i appologise. Tit.

Ok so what else is there? if you don't see me around for a few days it's because i probably won't have sorted out my internet at uni. So tomorrow i have work, then drinking, then sleeping, then work, then packing with Nick and moving shit to the shed.

OK Gonna go do something usefull, maybe.

Katie x

Ps: Oh great, her majesty is home.

Yes... I know i'm a lame-o

2007-09-19T06:57:00.001-07:00

I know i need to blog, and i'll get around to it, but i'd rather do it right than rush it and make it shite.

Under crests of stars, water breaks a broken heart

2007-09-14T06:08:00.000-07:00

i FUCKING love funeral for a friend. xx

Feeling Lonely?

2007-09-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

Feeling like you've lost your best friend? Feeling like the person you've known and loved for the last 8 years has told you where to shove it? Feeling like everything you ever did meant nothing? Call 0800-bestfrienddoesn'tcareanymore and we'll share stories.

I've got a jet black heart, it's fucked up and falling apart.

2007-09-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

Hey,

So i've had something of a movie day today, around work that is. So i shall tell you what i thought of them:

Prozac Nation: It was ok, Once you get over Christina Ricci's odd lookeness, and the fact that Jason Biggs could ever be described as handsome it's a passable film. It has some really real elements to it, but for a film where nothing really happens it's lacking a lot in the way of character and your attachment to the film. So when shit happens to them it's like "who cares" but i did enjoy it. Mainly just because i enjoy films about illness's that i share.

Requiem for a dream: I have no idea whether or not i liked it, well i did love it, but not all at the same time it's so hard to describe. It left me sickened, moved, confused and in admiration. I don't have a clue what the hell was going on most of the time, and sometimes the arty-ness bothered me. but god for some reason it just affected me :S i want to do that to someone one day.

Knocked up: It was ace. easy going, fun time. too long but would maybe watch it again with friends. just your typical "having a laugh" type film.

So that's that on the film front.

I guess i should talk about something i dunno, real or something. I don't feel any better or any different. and i've been off all day. i guess people think when you stop talking about something it goes away, but it hasn't and i am still as fucking miserable as ever. I dunno, i just, i hate everything about me and being me and i don't feel i could cope or be trusted if i wasn't medicated. but i hate being medicated. everything is a fucking fight in my head. god, i'm not even gonna try and explain.

Work at 6.30. Night x

It's a cross between love and stockholme syndrome.

2007-09-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Quote of the week, thank you oliver!

So yeah, i think today warrents a blog, considering that my hang over is acctually award worthy. I have been sick more times than i care to count and made Nick drive me to the depths of burnely for chicken. KFC chicken. to be exact.

So yes, i hear you all crying, why on earth did you have a hang over of this extreme nature, well i'll tell you children. I drank too much. I think an evening where you can say 'i think those last ten shots were a mistake' is one where much alcohol was consumed and also a safe point to stop drinking, but funnily enough we carried on. In total this was consumed between me Oliver and Joe:

1 litre of imperial vodka
1 litre of raspberry absolut
1 litre of spar brand scotch wiskey
18 carling cans
12 VHF's

I think that's a lot for 3 people. plus before hand oli had 2 pints, joe had 3 and i had 3 glasses of medium white wine and a vodka and coke.

I am hear by giving up drinking until next friday, when me kim rhodesy n maybe oli hit burnely to get legendarily legless.

I think the music of the night was this:

Damien Rice's cover of creep.
Rage against the machine : Kiling in the name of ("NOW YOU DO WHAT THEY TOLD YA!")
Burn Burn the lost prophets, leg-end song!
Green day time of you life.

i think that's it on the music front.

tomorrow i have a day off and i am tidying my room, computer shopping for jess and then buying my nus card for the year and some tarot cards.

So yeah, don't expect me to be up before like midday atleast, if anyone needs me.

See you x

ps joe told me to say something about a computer.

Changing Tracks

2007-08-29T07:19:00.000-07:00

So yeah, with like, working, we have to listen to Radio 1 and it's like, gay, but nevermind. Except that they have this one thing in the morning called changing tracks and it's like this thing were people say the track that changed their life and why, so i thought i'd enlighten you all to some of them before i bugger off to get drunk n play poker. Well mine aren;t like "my life would have been totaly different without this track" but they're like, important to me.

1: CHASING CARS, Snow Patrol. Mainly because it was in the car the day i left for uni and it's just a beautiful song. It was so sad leaving and it felt like i was never coming back, and now i can't wait to get away from the place! ha!

2: RAINGING IN BALTIMORE, Counting Crows. It's just something i listened to a lot at a bad time in my life, and i can never get it out my head once i start listening to it.

3: ONE YEAR SIX MONTHS, Yellowcard. It's just kinda, calm for yellowcard. And always reminds me of my group of friends from high school, and how we were all like 'we'll be friends for ever' and stuff, and guess what, we still are.
'I'm falling into memories of you,and things we used to do
Follow me there
A beautiful somewhere
A place that I can share with you.'

4: RIDE , The Vines. Oh my god, i don't accutally think i can explain that one, it's just like this completely unreasonable link between me and Sara and without any explanation of understanding we just used to dance like prats everytime we heard it, for no reason at all. I guess we just loved it. It always reminds me of her and how much i miss the retard.

5: FEVA FOR THE FLAVA, Hot action cop. You don't need a reason, it just owns.

6: WHAT A SCENE, Goo Goo Dolls. Leaving school, The party with the ahem chair incident. and the bodingtons theft. just a perfect perfect time.

7: WHATEVER, Oasis. Just because it's true. I can listen to it and laugh and it's just so enlightening and i feel happier having listened to it, it's just like i wish it was my permanent feeling cause life would be wonderful. But it's just one of those, knock me down i'll get up again, give it your best you can't beat me songs. that i like to scream along to now and again.

8: THROUGH THE GLASS, Stone Sour. Just because i dunno, it makes me cry, alot. It never fails to make me cry. "How do you feel, that is the question, but i forget you don't expect an easy answer".

Some people are gonna critisize me for this next one. But....

9: CLOSER, Nine inch nails. It's just so, god it's like sex in song form. if only trent reznor didn't have such a big nose. it's just one of those songs that makes me want to dance and always has. plus it's on teh se7en sound track and that film is anamzing.

and lastly

10: LATE AT NIGHT, Buffalo Tom. I discovered it on my so called life, and it just makes me feel so sad and i can't explain, it's one of those mental love things that makes no sense at all. random.

Anyway, i just thought i'd share that.

Katie x

Jared Leto is...

2007-08-28T04:15:00.000-07:00

The sexiest man alive.

Don't take my photograph 'cause i don't wanna know how it look to feel like this

2007-08-25T16:09:00.000-07:00

Hey hey,

i was mistaken in my last post, it was infact just a rumour that rob had died, but it is a very very sad fact that while he is up and walking, she has infact died. it was on the news and radio and stuff, and well yeah, it's not nice. if you want to read about it go here
or here
I don't know why it bothers me, it just does, a lot.

So onto other stuff,

Yeah i am working a lot recently, but i have ot an 8 hour shift on bank holiday, so i get paid for 12 hours which is nice.

i don't think anything else has happened recently. I am re medicated, and that's nice. Even though i now have to pay for my drugs now.

Me Jess Nick Oli n Dom went bowling tonight, it was good.

I'm not really in the mood for a proper blog, i'm so, i dunno, indifferent.

Oh and go see rush hour 3, it's good.

katie x

So the shed era comes to a close...

2007-08-21T07:10:00.000-07:00

When i return to uni next year i will have no shed to return to. my sister's moving into it and i'm moving into my little brothers box room. Atleast i'll be in the house but i will miss my shed n shed based parties :( We'll just have to crash my sister's instead.

So yeah, this morning i got like the coolest gift from chris, it's a card for my ds that you can download games to from the internet! :D

k x