Dear friend,
This is a confession, to get this off my chest before i explode.
I'm scared, Of what i am, what i am capable of, what i am driving myself to in an attempt to pretend i am something i am not. I am not a good person, and i fall at every hurdle. I do bad things and have a bad past, the details of which are not important. I have taken up some old habits, and as a result i am quite a lot of pain right now. I am pushing people away again, and cry a lot for no reason now aswel. I drink a lot and vent through screaming and arguing. I am trying to be a good person. I am trying to be there for people, but it's hard when i am this bad at looking after myself. I havn't got the confidence to be this new person i am trying to be. Better for me, and him and my friends. Because the me that i am is just this, Just seems to be the important word there. Just isn't quite good enought, Just doesn't fit, Just isn't what we're looking for.
But, friend, i have decided that whatever tomorrow brings i WILL be here, because i am not letting this beat me again, and i WILL really get better for me and everyone around me. These probably seem like empty promises. Nick must think all i do is lie the amount of times i've said i'm going to get better. I guess i just have to trust that he trusts me, although i don't expect him to.
Thanks for listening.
Katie x
Wednesday, May 03, 2006
I let fear take the wheel
Posted by Katie at 4:12 PM
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1 comments:
Let me field this one from experience. Believe me, I've got bucketloads of it. You feel like your not the person you were or even are, and don't like the person you see in the mirror, correct? Things hurt when they shouldn't and hurt doubly when they should. This sounds like the stock answer, and in some ways it is, but that's because scarily enough it's true. Things get better. Always do, nothing's bad forever. You come out of it, without a blemish to your character. Because people know that your not being yourself, they can see beyond all your so called "bad things" (which generally aren't as bad as you fool yourself into believing. And as I've said before, look around you. Look in your phone, those names that you see, each one of them loves you! (even o2 customer service love you, when you pay them, but I wouldn't go calling them up about not being yourself, they generally are more interested in giving you a text bolt on) You have your friends, who have through all your trials and tribulations have stuck by you without fail. You have your family, who whilst I hear you say they derive you, still think you're one of the most important people in their world, I'm sure.
Don't try and be a new person, try and be yourself. Oh, and don't do this for anyone...not for family, friends, Nick, anyone except yourself.
If I was in your shoes, I'd read this and think "well that's all well and good chris, but you've said nothing of importance...be yourself?? well if I could do it all as simply as that, I wouldn't have to vent this would i?" Well, I wouldn't, because even if I was in your shoes, I'd be me, and know I'd written it, and wonder what exactly I was doing in your shoes, becuase I'm sure they wouldn't fit (interesting side note: if you're going to walk a mile in another persons shoes, make sure they have the same size feet)
Where was i? Oh yeah, making you buy this crap...semi kidding. It sounds like rubbish and totally unhelpful, and in all honesty it is. It's like people telling you to "cheer up", as if you're making a personal decision to be unhappy. All I'm saying is, don't worry about a thing. You have people willing to rush to your side whenever you need them, who will help you get back inside yourself and banish all the demons that be plaguing you. I have, thanks to people like yourself, you can tell now I'm a generally more spritely person than the person I portray in my blog. I'm happy at the moment, somethings come to plague me, but generally all is good with me. And it will be with you...
This is generally based on the stuff I've read in here, I wasn't truly aware you were having problems, so if I'm way off the mark, then forgive me. If you want to talk, you know where I am at pretty much all times so feel free to accept my extended hand whenever you want, as well you know. I think that's enough of that melarky.
Remember, you are always your own harshest critic, and if you just looked subjectively, you'd see a different person entirely.
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