Lost

At high school you make friends, you're 11 years old, you're easily influenced and controlled and what happens in those first couple of high school years can make you either a confident popular likeable attractive person, or a quivering nerveous wreck. You don't necessarily make friends with the people that are good for you, in most cases they are the opposite. Everyone wants to be someone else, even the popular people aren't popular enough for their liking.

Then you hit year 9, you're 13, same classes, same friends, a lot of adult concepts proposed to you too early and a stupidly naive mind. You're intrigued by sex, drugs, music, socialising, nothing really matters except yourself and what you can do next to add to the drama of being a 13 year old. You're introduced to exams properly and make decisions that will shape your career. It's all about being lost.

You hit year 11, 15 years old, had a year of more drama and coursework, same friends, some new ones, New troubles. You've done a year of coursework and exams and you're a bit fed up with being tested mentally and socially, so you cave in. The problem with us in year 11 was that the majority of the year were 'popular people' and those of us who weren't were in with atleast one popular person. Everyone wanted to be the top, then there was about 15 of us who hung about in the corner and didn't really care much. You know those american movies where the arty tormented teenagers go to one of the groups houses, get off their face and wake up in someone elses bed, Or next to someone, not knowing what happened. Well that was pretty much us in the summer of 2004. I dunno why but it was like being lost and being happy and being secure in misery. Some pretty fucked up stuff happened to me in high school. I guess at the time i thought i was in the best place, pretty much anyone know can vouch for me being not. I'm still friend with the same people, but we've all changed, moved on and grown up, to a certain extent. They're good people, just not very good for each other.

Now, i'm at sixth form. It carried on in my first year, saw all the same friends outside school, made amazing ones inside school. Trouble was i was again with one person who was very bad for me. I was lost again. I felt small and controlled, more so than ever, even considering what a certain someone did in highscool. It was only in this year, my 2005/2006 school year that i think i really started living. I started going out with Nick (who for the record is not only an excellent boyfriend, but the best friend i could ever hope for), Made ace friends with Joanne and James, stayed friends with Dom and Katie. I made peace with myself, and have almost made peace with someone that caused me a lot of pain. I'm not lost anymore.

I am what i am because of all the time i have spent searching for me, all the times i have gotten drunk (which is pretty much every time i've drank from being the age of 14), all the times i've done things i shouldn't, all the times i've been wronged, all the times i've loved, cried, feared, lied, I am what i made myself all the times, all the years, i was lost.

I want to thank my friends old and new for making me who i am, and i want to thank my new ones and Nick especially for helping me see that it's not something to be ashamed of.

For the first time in my life i am not ashamed to look in the mirror and see what's looking back, for the first time in my life i am glad to be me.

(I just though i'd share that, and now i've got it off my chest, i hope you all had a good weekend)