This is how i wish i felt

I want to feel like Mark Renton at the end of trainspotting, Minus stealing a big bag for drug money. Realising there is more to life than your issues. Realising you want it all and more, having the things that normal people have. It's not like i don't have the things that normal people have, i have a nice home, pretty things. But i want to feel that i have beaten my problem. I know i won't until i take the first step tomorrow morning and take my letter to the doctor, but i want to feel that i am on my way. I feel like i am dwelling at the moment, i feel like i am swimming in a massive ocean and i am lost. I don't feel like i have any direction. I wish i felt like renton felt at the end of trainspotting. but i know i can't. Not yet anyway.


'So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false. The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change, I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life. I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you: the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener, good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mor tgage, starter home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows, junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas, indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by, looking ahead, to the day you die.'

Maybe one day i will feel like i want all this. For the moment all i want is sleep.