I've seen love die, way too many times, when it deserved to be alive. And i've seen you cry, way too many times, when you deserve to be alive.

I've had another really bad day. I figure if i blog about what's going on in my world at the moment i might feel better.

Well firstly there's someone i thought was a friend and that we'd moved past all our issues on saturday and he goes and drinks 2 bottles of whiskey and drags up all our dirty laundry and pours his heart out, then leaves. This happens every time we go and he knows i'm sick of it. i just can't handle being his friend if he won't let us be just friends. We've never dated, and i've never had or will have any intention of dating him, but i can't continue to forgive him for the past and be his friend if everyime i see him he drags up how he feels, and has felt for the past 7 years. Am i being petty? Harsh maybe? I don't even know anymore.

Another thing getting me down is uni. I'm home for the moment, but i'm not happy. and i'll go back to uni tomorrow and continue to be unhappy. I feel like i have no home. It's like my home used to be with my friends, but in retrospect who would acctually let me stay with them should times get hard? I don't know any that would. Kim maybe? I don't know. It's so much harder after the big row me and my dad had on sunday night. I ended up walking out and going to kims, in the snow. But i don't know anyone else with parents like mine. Everyone else seems to have ok relationships with their paretns, i know no one's are perfect but all i do with mine is argue. Argue and fight. Granted had i not told my dad to fuck off and never come near me again we might be talking at the moment, but on the other hand if he hadn't slammed my laptop on my hand i'd be more inclined to make the effort. I don't know anymore. I just feel really lost and down about it all. It's making my mood of constant mehness even worse. It's not fair at all. I just want a home back.

Another thing is my aunty Olive. we're not close now, but we share a birthday and she used to baby sit us as children. It's so sad to hear she's just getting worse and worse after her stroke. I hope she comes out of it, but i'm not convinced she will.

I guess in general i just feel like i'm all by myself. I used to be good at being there for people, i didn't need anyone and i could just listen, and now when i listen i feel like no one would ever want to listen to me, which is probably why anyone reading this won't get to this point, if you do let me know. I guess the days are gone where i was selfless, now i feel guilty and selfish for wanting to not be used as people's sponge when they need a friend. What a horrid person i am that all i can think about now is myself. It's a horrid circle. I hate it.

I've been getting more paranoid recently, apparently. I keep thinking that my friends are out to get me. I was upset yesterday about dom's up n coming party n how i can't go now cause amy n sarah godfrey might be going. 2 years ago i might have said 'so what if they don't like me', but those days are gone. Now i know i'll sit there twitching and feeling like they're going to hit me at anytime. It's horrid. I can't help but feel like everyone's out to get me. I was telling Nick on the phone, i'd love to buy Alton Towers, demolish all the rides, and rattle around my own house and grounds alone. i'd love that. No one can touch me then. No one could hurt me. Now i am so vulnerable because all my friends have the potential to ruin my life, and could at any point. I have very few friends who i havea good history with, and i know that's my own fault, i choose my friends no one else. but i'm sick to death of knowing they've got their fingers on the trigger and could shoot at any time. Am i being paranoid? Am i really? Have you ever thought about it?

I don't know where this is going. It's just so hard at the moment. It's like i'm tired of being what people want me to be, and i feel so lost but i can't stop and get better because soon uni will be over and so therapy will be over for the year and i'll have to go to GP and go back into therapy up here and go on pills n stuff just to cope with being able to cope with people's problems. Because i put myself in this situation. i made myself cheif confidante with them. I just want to stop and breathe. But i feel like more than anyone i'm the one strangling myself and not allowing myself a break. Bav (the therapist) said i should turn off my phone,turn off the computer and go and read in the bath or in bed atleast twice a week. I tried that and felt terrible for not being there when my friends needed me. Or if they needed me. At the same time i feel like an idiot for failing at therapy exercises that are meant to make me feel better. I know i am my own worst enemey, but i just can't stop, at all. All i do is be depressed, i don't remember what it felt like not to be, and it's scary. I'm scaring myself that badly that i honestly don't want to be here anymore. I just want to vanish and disapear, but Nick said it's not an option, and kim said she wouldn't ever go to my funeral if i killed myself. It's so sucky. and i have to do it all again every day. Urgh why do i suck so much? This isn't what people want to read. I can't beleive i'm this pathetic.

I'm going to go and listen to the tetris happy hardcore remix and sleep.