Scars are souvenirs she'll never loose, the past is never far.

hello,

Right well, blogging might be a good idea. i could blog about joe's nineteenth, or my new job, continual job hunting, going for lunch with claire or seeing my lovely luke this after. All off which were/are fun. But i am just too damn miserable so i hope you'll all forgive me for not blogggin about them.

the first thing of note is some layout changes. if you scroll down you'll find my new last fm listings and a last fm player if you want to listen to any of it. and i changed my picture up there > and moved the friend bit near the top and added claire and katie on there. Ok that's that done with.

OK onto more important things. I need a loan, i need to consolidate my debts, pay off my friends and be paying back one monthly fee, but no sodder will give me any money because i'm a student. Everytime i think of money i just feel so sick. i know how much trouble i am in. If i don't find some money soon i'll be getting defaults and ccj's and it just makes me want to cry. why will no one help me? one managable monthly repayment is what i need but no one will give me a loan and i am just getting in to trouble this way. Honestly, money is just making me want to die.

Another thing is Joe. I know he reads this and will read this entry. But i don't care it's my blog and if he doesn't like it it's not my problem. No offence to you Joe, but i've already said this to you anyway. I feel like he's obsessed with me, and it's putting preasure on em that i don't need and really upsetting me. Every decision i make boy wise, whether that be liking a boy, declining a boy, going on a date with a boy, i have to answer to him. it's like being in a relationship i never agreed to and was never in. It's not like we're even ex's. It's been 6 years nearly since he first asked me out and he's been saying scary and creepy things to my friend kim about it. When we go out i feel like he's watching me and i am trying to get back into the dating game myself. and it's hard enough without this. I know i probably deserve this hastle, but i can't deal with it anymore.i have to live my life and not be thinking about whether he's going to fuck off when i get a boyfriend, or worse, try and split us up, or worse still, try and murder him. it's a well known fact Joe hated Nick cause he was my boyfriend. I just hate that he has such an impact on my romantic life without any right, without even being involved, not now and not ever. I am not interested at all, but i can't shake him off into being just my friend, and now it's getting to the stage where sometimes i don't know if that's even worth it anymore. I know that might hurt him to read, but he needs to hear it.

In short i am upset, i am miserable, i know this is all my fault, so i am going to go and sit in my room and cry. pathetic i know, but i honestly couldn't care what anyone reading this thinks anymore. If you have a problem you know exactly where to stick it. I am too uspet, tired and depressed to care anymore. I just feel worn out and old. So old it's not even ironic anymore. I am so tired out by my life that i can't handle it anymore, and it's making my depression worse.I want to be able to control these things, but i just ignore them and repress them until they're so pent up they explode. Why can't i find a nice boy that i love and who loves me back? why won't anyone give me a loan? why can't i be a a grade student doing medicine? why can't my parents not want to be charging me £60 a week rent. Why why why. There just more things i can't do and more things i suck at. I don't think i can do anything right. I can't live right quite obviously, thanks to being sucky and shit, i don't know anymore. i just don't know, ok? I can't even write a coherent none depresed blog.

Oh for fucks sakes. I'm going to bed.