Your head will collapse but there's nothing in it. And you'll ask yourself... where is my mind?

I wouldn't read this if you're in the mood for light entertainment.

I don't acctually know what to write her anymore. It's not like there's not stuff happening in my life that i have nothing other to write about than how i feel. but it's true. I could write about Oli breaking a key in his locker, Or Nadia fixing it, Or going to visit my aunty this weekend, or my plans for HP7 but i can't. i can't phsyically be excited by those things because i am so consumed with hurt and misery and anger and depression.

I have come to realise that i don't acctually like most people in my life, most people i call my friends. I am perfectly content to sit alone at home listening to nirvana and being miserable. Yes, stereotype, i know. But i just can't deal with anything anymore. i don't know how much of this is to do with me being "ill" and a lot of you don't even know what my illness is. So i guess i should tell you a route of a lot of my recent anger is that i have been diagnosed with severe depression and BPD (Border Line Personality Disorder). So yeah, i don't know why, but it makes me angry.

Everything makes me angry. Especially people who excpect things of me that i can't do 'cause i'm a fucking mental retard. Basically i am ill, yes, no one cares. well i know my best friend doesn't care 'cause all she cares about is her boyfriend, but i can't function anymore. I can't sleep, i can't eat properly, i can't breathe or think right because all i can think about is death and dying and how much it would be great to have nothing, just an endless dark space, where i could just think and relax and not have to worry about coming back into my hectic fucked up life (which i chose) because i couldn't. How beautiful it would be. I am obsessing over ways which people die which mean tehy can't have a funeral, or a proper one anyway because they're too mashed up. That's what i want. i want the couple of day people would spend people sad to be spent how they want to spend them. not the way my parents would in fringe on them. I just want everyone to listen to in the sun by josepth arthur, just once. so for 3 minutes it was how i wanted. No funeral, no fuss, no mess, no nothing. God this is depressing. I don't understand why i think about it so much.

It's like i think about nothing else. I can't breathe for thinking about it sometimes. And sometimes, just sometimes, i pretend it's true. I do nothing but think for a whole day and pretend i am gone and no one can hurt me, and it's wonderful while it lasts. but it can't last like that. I don't know why i feel like this, or why i dream of such a pefect existance.

I can't do this anymore. I can't carry on being like this. A few posts a go i asked people to stop judging me for it. Now i don't care. Judge away.

Night x

I wish I was like you
Easily amused
Find my nest of salt
Everything is my fault
I'll take all the blame
Aqua seafoam shame
Sunburn with freezeburn
Choking on the ashes of her enemy