Why weren't you there all the nights that i cried?

so yeah, emotional downpour. stop reading now if you don't want to hear this.

Don't you hate it when everything you see, watch, read, feel, smell, dream just reminds you of the pain and mistakes you've made so far in your life? I'm so overwhelmed with feeling like i am the result of a long string of mistakes, but that's what i am essentially. I love walking up a hill aloone and knowing when you get to the top you can lay down, look at the sky and pretend the world has gone. you can't see anyone else, you can't hear life, you can't feel the emotions that arrise when you're near another person, you just are, and it's beautiful. you can think and feel things that are acctually real, and it overwhelms me. it knocks me back and makes me feel like i have a life, like i am a person, like my feelings matter. and then i roll my head round and look down on town and realise that it doesn't and i don't and all the things i thought i felt become confused and muddled into a cloud of other people again.

There's things i can't do, i simply cannot do and find hard to deal with for personal reasons. one of them is small children, for example my cousins Hatty (5 months old) and Holly (18 months old). They're lovely, they're adorable, they're simply perfect, but it's taken me 5 months to work up the gall to go and visit baby Hatty and i don't know why. I adore her, she's perfect, but she makes me very sad, all babies do. I cuddled her and played with her and felt devoid of anything, numb, painfully numb like when you're really cold. that sort of numb. I'm sorry i can't be capable of coherent and rational thoughts, and i'm sorry i can't string together a reasoned well thought out blog without slipping into how terrible i constantly feel, but being sorry won't make it change. I'm not so sure i want it to change into either, which makes things very difficult. Everything seems difficult these days, even something as small as reading harry potter or a friend changing plans seems to bring my world to a stand still because of this stupid, pathetic excuse for an illness makes everything about me. I'm trying very hard not to be consumed by my "disease" but it's so easy to let it devour you, to let it eat the pleasure out of everything you do in life, everytime i breathe i feel disapointed that it was not better than it was and my life is a constant let down. The things i expect to be great are a disapointment and the things that i hate doing i revel in. The people i should love i dispise, and the people i'm meant to hate just appeal all the more.

It's a backwards and completely messed up ailment that sometimes i find comfort in, only sometimes, because it's there. Not becauses i want it, or because i need it, but because it's there when it feels like no one else is. When all the lights go out and everything is dark and lonely it's there. I can curl up with it, cuddle it, be it, and that's something i don't have anywhere else.

I was thinking today... if you could have the chance to go back to every single mistake you made and say something to the people that got the brunt of the consequences what would you say. Would you know what to say if the oppourtunity arrose? I know i wouldn't. There are only so many times you can i appologise before it becomes part of a template which treats people as a unit, not as individuals, and that's the last thing that you need when you're trying to justify you're actions or none actions.

And another thing i was thinking today is that with very irrational and confusing logic that i have come to the conclusion that i can no longer stand to be a part of, be near, or have anything to do with Joesph Pacey. He consumes me and angers me, he fills me with hate, he destroys every reasoned moment of hapiness i struggle to gain in his pressence, he makes me cry when we aren't speaking. I have come to the conclusion that he is either one person that i am meant to love that i can't stand to be near and breathe near and can't think near, or that he is one i am meant to despise and still can't find reason to have any intrigue or interest in him in any shape or form. He is out of my life, or the life peolpe have made for me and yet i'm still not free, and no one can tell me why.

on another note.

I'm sorry for what i did to you, i'm sorry you'll never know or understand that. I'm sorry i can't change it. I love you and always will.

If you've read this far congratulations on getting to the end without passing out of bordem, disgust, annoyance or insanity. And thank you, for giving me something to be here for, for if nothing else i'm one hell of an easy person to hate.

x