I've forgotten how it could feel to be alive

Well is there anything worth blogging about...

I've just been working mainly. Work is gay and i hate it, that's that bit of my life covered.

I'm meant to be going to the pub on friday and i just kind of pray nick isn't there. I don't know who's going because Rhodesy's organising it and to be honest, he's a bit rubbish at organising things. It's not that i don't want to see Nick, it would be nice to see him in person and know he's still real... but i know he would either be unpleasant and i'd have to leave, or he'd leave and i don't want that. He seemed pleasant enough on the phone, but it sounded like he was with someone so he might have just been keeping up appearances, although i hope not as i would like us to be able to be civil one day. I do miss him and i would like to know how he is etc. And also if it is his sister buying a dog or if there's another N.Slawicz buying a Pom from Nutshaw Kennels in Burnley... (that sign freaked me out when we went dog browsing and i saw it). It must be a terrible pain for people in the middle of us, like Dom and Rhodesy who have to deal with both sides. Although i understand their position all to well i doubt there is much i can do about it, and i am living in fear as they have made their views on the situation quite clear, that i am wrong.

In other news i think i am lonely. Not in a 'I must have a boyfriend way' but i dunno, it would be nice to be cuddled. I think it's since Nick started to hate me, because even as friends he would cuddle me when i was down, or just when i felt lonely. And i haven't had that for a while, not with someone i felt especially connected to. Me and Matt cuddled but it was just awkward 'what are we doing' cuddles. It's like Carrie in sex and the city when she is talking about wanting sex, and she says 'I just need to feel the weight of a man on me'... I'm not fussed about sex, i just want to feel close to someone, like hugs and kisses and the little things you get when your so connected to someone that feel so amazing... when you can kiss just for kissing and because they're so amazing, first kisses that is. When you have it you tend to take it for granted, or at least i did. And when you look like i do you can't just go to a club and pull and it's all good like, I'm amazed anyone has ever looked my way once let alone twice which is why my fling with Matt amazed me so much. I just, i don't know. I miss the feeling of being loved, or even cared about or whatever it was i had for Nick in our very long decent, if it was love, even when we're together i'm not sure either us will ever know, who ever knows whether what they feel is love. I miss the feeling of waking up next to someone that i love, or someone that cares for me. I miss the rush of being in love and i am fed up of people assuming i am single, and being right. Like when me sara and jess were in the pub a week or so back and a man asked if we were single, pointed to me and said 'i bet she's single'. It's not that i am desperately unhappy, but sometimes i get lonely. I am just indifferent to being single. I can't see an end to it either, it's like i make plans like i will be alone forever. And i don't want to settle for just any old person, like i don't want to jump the first guy that comes along just because he's there ( otherwise i wouldn't be single anymore) and i think that's why Matt appealed some much, because i acctually liked him and he liked me and it was all ncie for a change, but then that fucked up too didn't it? I can't see my knight in shining armor turning up on my doorstep anytime soon... especially just for a cuddle.

Apart from that i have been living my usual life... not even bothering to hope that things get better soon because i am not naive enough to think that they will.