Today...

today has thrown me back into ways of thinking i didn't know i would think again. They're no stranger to me but i don't exactly welcome them back with open arms. I have felt like i was trapped in a grey space for a long time, but i woke up this morning, after the afore mentioned accident, and just felt, dark. I felt consumed again, lost and trapped. Completely absorbed by feeling i haven't felt at this intensity for a while.

I had plans and i feel like the life has been sucked out of me, enough to stop me seeing my future as more than tomorrow. I don't want to be here any longer. I'm tired of fighting, i'm tired of arguing, i'm even tired of breathing. The only thing i wasn't tired of was my friends, but now i feel like none of them understand me and they are all out to leave me.

This is unrelated but i feel i need to spell it out. I found out Nick was laughing about my accident which really hurt my feelings. Nick's put me in the situation of knowing that if i dare to show my face when there is a social event with any of my friends he will make it incredibly difficult for me to remain at said social situation so i am now a social prisoner. what can i do? i have no idea. My depression is returning full and fast and now i know i won't have many friends or situations which i can smile at i don't know what to do to help myself, or if i even want to help myself anymore. I just feel, exasperated, sad and lonely and i know that very few people acctually care about me anymore.

The way i see things there's only one way.