Faded

It’s three thirty am again, that time of night where I can’t help but find myself awake recently. Awake and thinking. It’s nothing I chose to do, part of me thinks It’s because of having five glasses of wine earlier I couldn’t take my pill, so my brain isn’t sedated enough to stop the constant open fire of thoughts that decide to hammer home at this time every night. Another part of me, the part that believes in something greater than us, thinks I did something really bad in a past life.

I wish someone would look at me and tell me that they could see everything was going to be alright for me. Like they see it in my eyes or something, but the truth is no matter how much I pray that someone will be able to the see it, it’s not there to see. I can’t even blame it on no one looking hard enough to find it. Every night I lie awake thinking, feeling as bad as if it were the first night I was curled up in bed alone, hoping someone somewhere was thinking the same thing and wishing for someone like me to share their loneliness with. When I realised no one was it made hoping kind of pointless, don’t you think?

Its funny when people find out I’m on anti depressants they always say looking at me they’d never tell and I always find myself questioning it. How exactly do you wear depression? Should I wear a t shirt telling everyone how I am awake until at least five am every morning, How when I do actually sleep I have dreams of hurting myself or how when I am awake all I can do is pretend I am not this way. I don’t think anything I could do would make it more obvious that I am sick than hiding it. I know it won’t make much sense to anyone but that’s how it is.

I often wonder what the point is in writing these things or saying these words because at the end of the day what’s the point in screaming if no one is listening?

So I am here, at three thirty am, wondering about how the world is in the way, questioning what there is left. What do you think you’d say? I don’t think it matters anyway, because I doubt I’d listen. You can take me and throw me away.

When moments begin to be real, then I’ll start to feel. Then I’ll continue to fade.