Loving is fine if you've plenty of time to be standing on stilts at the edge of your mind.

Hey,

So it's sunny again, really sunny. It's too hot, i don't like it.

Anyway. I am now done with Nick Slawicz. I know that sounds horrible, and i realy am truly saddened that we couldn't work something out, but it quite clearly wasn't meant to be. He knows where i am if he wants to talk to me, but i am not going to beg and i am most certainly not going to chase him anymore. I loved him, but times have changed, i have changed. I'm not the person that i was when i loved him, as a boyfriend or a friend, i've grown up a lot and i'm just, i'm living for the moment now. There's no point to life if you're constantly being in situations you don't like. But when i've counted up all the times he's said to me 'i want to go out alone because you depress me and ruin my night', 'your depression is starting to ruin my life', 'Don't come if you're just going to be depressed and ruin everything', it was ridiculous. He made me feel so bad about myself towards the end. I think he used my depression as an excuse more than i did, I know i have a problem and i am trying to fix my problem, or atleast live with it. But Nick, Nick can't even admit he has one let alone atempt to change it, Stepping out of a comfort zone would be too much for him. He's comfortable lying and cheating his way through but ask him to get help so you don't have to walk away and he does nothing. That's what he doesn't understand about this, it got too much, i had to walk away.

Anyway, there have been a few Matt developments for anyway reading this desperate for a slice of my none existant love life. I thought he was ignoring me, but last night he was ok with me, well after a while. He took a while to start acknowledging my existance and then it was just like nothing had happened. I spoke to Kel about it and she said Matt had told her he did like me, after the event and while he was sober. So i don't know, why can't he just make the first move, that way i know what's going on and there's no grey areas or ambiguity. Last night when we were all round their's getting high and watching the big lebowski our body language was amazingly, i don't know, coupley. I know that sounds random but i can't explain it, i could just sense it. I just wanted to cuddle him, but instead i curled up and fell asleep. I like him, i really do, i havn't had a proper crush for a long time. It's not good.

What else is new? Well i ballsed up my exam, go me. and i have another tomorrow i might not even get out of bed for :p My hair extensions arrived so now i can have my lovely short emo hair, or my lovely long emo hair :p My new shoes still haven't turned up though, which is REALLY annoying me!

OK then, i can't think of anything else to say. Oh yes i'm part way through designing my tattoo, but i haven't finished it yet and want it to be perfect. I've got the main bit that i want finished but i haven't decided yet, there's something missing. It's going just under my collar bone though, on the left hand side.

Anywho, ta'ra x