I'm missus bad karma, another day, another drama.

Yes i do feel bad for using a britney spears lyric as my blog title, but i needed one and i have 'piece of me' in my head. I thought it said i'm missus extradextradicious in the song, and i wanted to know what extradextradicious meant, but it turns out it says 'missus extra extra, this just in'. You may ask why i have been listening to Britney spears... It's because Jess has a shite taste in music and she's just gotten her new car, so new car cd, Full of shite. But it has kind of grown me... is this the end of my youth? the end of endless dedicated hours listening to funeral for a friend? story of the year? finch? glassjaw's cosmopolitan bloodloss?.... errrr NO!

Anyway, what's new? Errr not much. I've gone back to tormenting myself. Spending countless hours thinking about and researching and prying into the lives of those who've escaped me. I don't know why, i just, i can't handle people hating me. i'm always the one who apologises, grovels and generally lets myself be walked all over, and i just, it doesn't always work and i need to stop doing it. I want to be able to say i don't care what people think of me, and to let that be true. But i don't think it ever will be. Doesn't everyone care what people think of them? I don't know anymore. It's just i know once upon a time these people were my friends, and they haven't always hated me. I know now that i have some amazing friends. I can't get better than Sara, Joe, Luke, Matt etc. But at the same time they're separate, they were there at the same times as the ones i've lost and therefore aren't a replacement. I just feel so much more empty now i know that i can't even ask how said people are, i can['t even ask mutual friends how said people are. I just feel like i am loosing everything, i live in fear of going to asda or tesco or the pub incase i bump into them there. It's proper annoying. I'm not close to Rhodesy at all anymore, i feel like if i didn't make the effort to speak to him we'd probably never speak again. I used to check my phone and have millions of texts now i have one or two if i am lucky. Kim once said to me that she would never want to not be my friend, because by association she would have no friends left, and now i know that that's what i've done to myself. My friends aren't going to be there forever, and i trusted too much that they will. And i don't know, i can't go on fighting with myself day in day out about all the mistakes i have made.

And it is for this reason i have decided to go back to therapy and to go back on my medication, if i can bring myself to take it again.